holidays Archives - Rebekah Simon-Peter Coaching and Consulting Inc.

When The Holidays Bring Out the Worst in You

by Rebekah Simon-Peter | Dec 14, 2022

The holidays are supposed to be a time of joy, peace, and family.

But what about when the holidays bring out the worst in you?

When you get frustrated, stressed, anxious? Even angry.

Then what?

It’s important to find new ways to manage your emotions more effectively.

And to help your people do the same.

In this blog, I’ll explore why the holidays can be so stressful and give you tips for managing the stress, all so that you can reclaim the spirit of the season.

Stress, Trauma & The Season

We all have experiences of the past that impact our lives in the present.

Loss, unresolved grief, broken relationships, financial strain, and loneliness can bring on overwhelm.

These feelings are heightened during the holiday season.

The thought of buying gifts when the budget is tight or loved ones are missing from the dinner table can create extra stress.

Being a church leader adds a whole new dimension to the equation.

There are two seasons of exceptional busyness for church leaders: Easter and Christmas /Advent.

In my conversation with pastors, it seems that the Christmas season is more conflictual in the local church.

Why?

Expectations go up dramatically starting at Thanksgiving and continue all the way through New Year’s.

Several special services, holiday get-togethers, family traditions, and more get added to the calendar in just a few short weeks.

Not only that, but the holidays can bring out unresolved issues from past relationships with family members.

Even if a relationship is generally healthy and robust, the holiday season can bring to light existing tensions and memories of past conflicts.

These familial traumas may be challenging to recognize, as they are often deeply woven throughout family history.

Here’s the point. Whatever the source of your stress, it is essential to be gentle with yourself.

Identify Your Triggers

The first step in managing holiday stress is to identify your triggers. Notice what situations cause you to become overwhelmed or anxious.

Once you have identified your triggers, you can develop strategies for dealing with them effectively. For example, if large gatherings stress you out, find a smaller group to chat with.

You can also try scheduling smaller events, such as one-on-one conversations or group activities that involve fewer people.

If too much shopping brings out the worst in you, make a list, create a budget and stick to it.

Knowing what sets off your stress can help you anticipate potential issues and develop coping mechanisms before they arise.

Make Time for Self-Care

It’s easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of the holidays without leaving any time for yourself.

Taking care of yourself is essential to managing holiday stress.

Carve out some “me” time each day, whether it’s enjoying a relaxing bath, reading a book before bedtime, or taking a long walk with the dog.

Self-care is different for each of us, but one thing is true for all of us – if you are not making time for yourself during the season, you won’t be able to create space for others.

Nor will you experience the joy of the season.

Reach Out When You Need Help

Don’t be afraid to reach out when you need help dealing with holiday stress.

Talking about your feelings openly can be difficult and provide a sense of relief and insight into potential solutions.

If this isn’t an option right now, consider writing down how you feel. Expressing yourself in writing can be just as therapeutic as talking one-on-one with another person.

Practical Wisdom

It is easy to get caught up in the high-tension moments.

Don’t say things that you won’t be able to take back after the holidays.

If you find yourself in conflict, objectively assess the situation by asking yourself what is at stake here. Try to diffuse the tension with understanding and grace.

It may help to remember the adage from Alcoholics Anonymous, “Think. Think. Think.” Before you act. Or even this one: “A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.”

It is possible to mend the most broken of relationships during the holiday season, but it is also possible to break them in ways that will take years to heal.

Reclaim The Heart of The Holiday

Remember that the holidays are about spending quality time with family and friends, celebrating cherished traditions, giving back to those in need, and celebrating the idea that God became one of us.

Don’t forget to make time for the things that bring you joy and peace.

Go to worship, get lost in God’s love, and spread love and happiness to others.

Make time for gratitude, even in the hardest of moments. Celebrate what makes you and your family unique and special.

Holiday stress is unavoidable, but it doesn’t have to be overwhelming.

By recognizing your triggers, making time for self-care, and reaching out when you need help, you can manage your stress levels and enjoy the holidays.

As long as you remain mindful of the practical wisdom available during this particular season, you will make the most of the holidays and usher in a new year with a peaceful heart.

To learn more about navigating conflictual situations during the holidays, check out my upcoming workshop, 3 Steps to Engage Conflict Productively. It will be a great way to start the new year.

Happy Holidays!

The Platinum Rule for Christmas

by Rebekah Simon-Peter | Dec 21, 2021

Ah, Christmas. The most wonderful time of year… Until it’s not.

The rush to get gifts and mail them, to make travel plans, to cook, and clean, and decorate – it can be a very stressful time. And that’s not even mentioning the stress that being with people can bring.

If you’re stressing about being with friends and family that you may not have seen for months or years this holiday, read on to learn how to one-up the Golden Rule and have the most peaceful season ever.

Wait, you can one-up the Golden Rule?

Yes! And thankfully, it’s easier than it sounds. From a very young age we were all taught the Golden Rule – do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Treat others the way you want to be treated.

But sometimes the Golden Rule doesn’t go far enough.

The Golden Rule assumes that the way I want to be treated is how others want to be treated. That the way I prefer to communicate applies to all people. And that underneath, our motivations are the same. Experience shows that’s just not true.

Enter the Platinum Rule

The Platinum Rule asserts that we need to treat others the way they want to be treated. It acknowledges that we each have different motivators, stressors, goals, fears, and priorities.

For instance, just because you like direct communication and want to move at a fast pace, doesn’t mean that everyone around you is comfortable with that. Or just because you value time to reflect and ruminate on decisions and are an emotionally geared person doesn’t mean that others share this perspective.

This is a large part of what we teach our Creating a Culture of Renewal® cohorts. We’ve worked with church leaders over the past 15 years and have found that by understanding these concepts and being aware of differences in communication styles, our participants are able to move from frustrating relationships to fruitful conversations with those they once found problematic.

I thought you said this would be easy…

I stand by that. By practicing and employing empathy and emotional intelligence, you will quickly find that you can effectively communicate with even the most difficult people in your life.

Begin to notice how others are communicating with you and do likewise. When those around you communicate in a direct and fast-paced manner, try doing the same with them. Don’t worry about offending them, they will likely appreciate your efforts to operate in their preferred way. When those around you need time to process all of the details and facts before making a decision, give them that time. Being insistent doesn’t give them the space they need to clearly think through their options and feeling restrained in this way can easily lead to unnecessary arguments.

Do your best to ascribe good motives to each person. Understand that they may just have a different way of doing things. Set aside your personal communication preferences. Instead, focus on what they are actually saying. As you get more comfortable with the Platinum Rule, gently point out how your preferences and theirs vary, without making either of you wrong or right. Assume the Spirit is equally alive and well in each of you, and that you are each friends of Jesus. Understand the implications that having to be right has and decide if you would rather be right, or have a productive relationship with another.

Platinum Rule Christmas

The Polarization Trap

We now live in a world where polarizing beliefs and values have crept into every segment of our lives. Many people are content with maintaining the “us vs. them” mindset, as long as it means that their view is “right” and someone else gets to be “wrong.”

These polarizations are false dichotomies. The more you buy into us vs. them, the more you solidify a false construct. It’s not that we don’t have very different ways of looking at the world, embracing change, or understanding holiness. We do. However, these different ways are not necessarily sinful…they are simply different. All the polarizations that exist now are temporary. Did you know that churches once fought over whether indoor plumbing should be allowed? Or if women could wear pants? The act of choosing up sides takes us father and farther from Jesus’ command to love one another as I have loved you. Instead of insisting on your preferences practice finding, identifying, and focusing on common underlying values.

Ready to give it a try for yourself?

As you move into the holidays, focus your efforts on acknowledging and understanding the ways in which you’re different from those around you. Be aware that while your approaches may not be the same, you have the ability to offer love and understanding anyway. Work to find the middle ground and see what develops once you move into that space.

Still need some more guidance? I’m hosting a Platinum Rule Leadership for Changing Times workshop in January that explores these concepts in more depth. This fun and interactive 3-session workshop promotes self-awareness, forgiveness, compassion, and understanding.