How to Fail and Still Win

How to Fail and Still Win

All great accomplishments have one thing in common: failure. Discouraging, heartbreaking failure. Whether we’re talking about the amazing stories in the Book of Acts, the Wesleyan Revival of the 1700s, or the success of a regional megachurch, each one of these “successes” involved failures. Peter and Paul were embroiled in conflict in the book of Acts. John Wesley failed miserably in his work with the Native Americans and lost at love in his own life. Leaders of megachurches have had moral failings. But without these seeming failures, there would also be no memorable accomplishment. So let’s talk about how to fail and still win.

We tend to think of success as being defined by our accomplishments or victories, but it’s the failures that provide us with the wisdom necessary to succeed. The lie we tell ourselves is that the great leaders and movements of the past had it all together, while we struggle and fail. But every leader, movement, and person will fail at some point. That’s simply part of our humanity.

Failure gets a bad name. But failure need not be the end of the story. It is a necessary step to help us learn and grow in our faith journey. The Bible is full of stories of both failure and redemption, from Adam to Abraham, and from Sarah to Hannah, as well as Peter and the disciples. We would hardly call these heroes and sheroes of the faith failures.

As Christian leaders, it’s essential for us to understand how to fail and still win. In order to fail and still win, it’s important to understand the two types of failure. Knowing the difference can help you stay focused, motivated, and successful.

 

Passive Failure

The first type of failing is passive failure. Passive failure involves not trying or simply settling for the status quo. Passive failure does nothing to advance your goals or propel the Kin(g)dom forward. Rather, it keeps you stuck in a place of complacency where your potential isn’t explored or realized. It’s easy to fall into this type of passive failure because it requires no effort. But if left unchecked, passive failure can lead to stagnation and disappointment in your life and ministry.

We can all point to this kind of failure. We often use phrases to explain it, like, “They are just moving the deck chairs on the Titanic.” We know it when we see it. Worship is lackluster. Your mission projects are repetitive. You sense a congregation-wide feeling of apathy. You manage what you have without risking innovation or breaking new ground. If you are still doing what you did three or four years ago, you may be slipping into passive failure.

The effects of passive failure can be seen in churches: years of declining attendance, no new professions of faith, and a diminishing pool of volunteers. When the only course correction offered is trying harder at doing more of the same, that is a sign of passive failure.

It’s not easy to admit, but I’ve seen this type of passive failure in myself. When I hoped that things would change for the better but took no action to try something new. It’s a painful spot to be in.

 

Active Failure

The second type of failure is active failure. What sets active failure apart from passive failure is that rather than hoping things will get better if we simply try harder at doing what we’ve always done, we actively take risks. We give it everything we have—our total energy, focus, and commitment. Even so, we still miss the mark.

Yes, it’s still a failure. But this type of active failure brings hope by creating momentum. Even though the result might not have been what we intended, it’s still a win. By giving our best effort towards something meaningful, we will have created some new openings. Perhaps we operated from vision rather than fear. Or collaborated with new community partners. Or raised new funds and involved new people. Active failure is a win because it empowers those around us.

Active failure creates another kind of win: learning from your mistakes. The great thing about trying and failing is that you can figure out how to do things better next time. The same principle applies to us as Christian leaders. We may not consistently achieve our goals immediately or as expected, but failure often gives us the insights and wisdom to succeed.

Every great movie ever made, from Ben Hur to Star Wars to Mulan, includes a story arc of triumph over adversity. The hero fails multiple times before achieving the goal. In these stories, it is failure that helps shape and strengthen the protagonist’s character. This is true not only in the movies but also among the disciples, the early church, and even your church.

 

How to Get the Most from Your Failures

By understanding that there are two types of failure—passive failure and active failure—you can better prepare yourself for success as a Christian leader by embracing the art of active failing. If you fail but learn something new along the way, that’s a win! If you fail, but create openings for new action, that’s a win, too. So go forth boldly—trusting God—knowing that even if you fail this time, next time may be a huge success. After all, nothing ventured – nothing gained.

It was my failures, not my successes, in local church ministry that prompted me to develop Creating a Culture of Renewal®. I wanted to know how to create a lasting culture shift that moved the church from maintenance to mission, from inward focus to outward focus, and from discipleship to apostleship. This powerful program equips you with all the ingredients necessary to shift the culture of your congregation, no matter the size, denomination, or location. Email Ann at ann@rebekahsimonpeter.com if you’d like to come to an Introduction to Creating a Culture of Renewal.

 

Copyright © 2023 rebekahsimonpeter.com. All Rights Reserved.

No Christmas is Perfect and That’s Okay

No Christmas is Perfect and That’s Okay

It’s easy to view the Christmas story through rose-colored glasses: Joseph and Mary and Jesus, all cozy in the manger, surrounded by an adoring crowd. Wise men and shepherds, angels and a star.

It’s the stuff of Hollywood!

These picturesque scenes are emblazoned on Christmas cards the world over.

But the truth is no Christmas is perfect. Not even the original one.

And that’s okay.

The real Christmas story is filled with stress, anxiety, and uncertainty.

Mary was a young teenage girl expecting a child.

Joseph, her intended, wasn’t the biological father.

He had to decide whether or not to turn Mary and her baby away, or to accept the mother as his wife, and the child as his own.

All of this is the backdrop of Jesus’ birth into the world.

That’s enough to put anyone in therapy!

Yet, despite all the obstacles they faced—from Mary’s labor beginning while in Bethlehem to finding no room at even the most humble inn—Mary and Joseph’s story demonstrates that imperfection is part of life.

In fact, it’s the imperfections that make things so memorable.

If Mary and Joseph had found the light on at a Motel Six, staffed by a smiling innkeeper who offered them warm cookies and bottled water, we might not love or remember the story as much.

Today I want to share four steps to embracing imperfection during the holidays.

These four steps can reduce stress,  bring you closer to God, and make your Christmas celebrations even more meaningful.

 

Step 1: Embrace the Imperfection

The first step to embracing imperfection is recognizing that no Christmas is perfect.

Not the first Christmas.

And not the Christmas at your church or in your community this year.

Yes, it’s tempting to aim for a “perfect” Christmas experience for your church members.

But remember that perfection will generally be out of reach.

Instead, let your church focus on embracing imperfection by celebrating what makes each of your people unique.

This means accepting messiness and chaos.

Strangely enough, the more you accept the imperfect, the more you’ll be able to experience joy and peace as well.

I am not saying go out of your way to create mess or chaos.

Just don’t resist it if it comes.

Instead, watch for the good that can come from it.

God can do more with us when we’re willing to see disruptions as blessings rather than as burdens.

 

Step 2: Stay Adaptable

The more adaptable and fluid you are, the more God can work through your church and community.

Consider Mary and Joseph’s story.

Can you imagine being pregnant on the road and trying to find someplace that has room, let alone someplace that can facilitate the birth of a child?

Yet, despite having very few resources, these two were able to find a safe place for Mary to give birth.

Now think about the great things that have happened in your church in the last 10 years. Or even the last 2 years.

Most of these things were birthed by staying adaptable so you could realize your mission.

Think about how churches went from no online presence to full-on TV production in a matter of weeks.

Adaptability is God’s wheelhouse!

Jesus entering the world did not require massive funding, special line items in the budget, stage and light equipment, or a strategically placed physical campus.

If that’s the case for the Savior of the world, imagine what God can create when you stay adaptable…even on a shoestring budget.

 

Step 3: Surrender and Trust

The story of Mary and Joseph is also a reminder to surrender ourselves to God.

Even when it made no sense to either of them, both Mary and Joseph operated with surrender and trust.

Mary said yes to the angel’s message that announced Jesus’ conception.

Joseph said yes to Mary and her baby.

Both of them said yes to the trip to Bethlehem, and yes to the manger.

Even when times were uncertain, they trusted God’s leading.

The payoff is that this journey of trusting yesses led them to witness some of the most miraculous events in history.

In the same way, surrendering your expectations and plans in order to say yes to God can bring about miracles.

Even if surrender doesn’t make sense to you initially.

In fact, this idea of surrender has always been at the core of my ministry and work.

I have longed for people to embrace the dreams that God has for them.

This is why I wrote Dream Like Jesus.

I believe God has given us all extraordinary dreams, but too often, we are so caught up in our expectations that we forget to surrender it all to God and simply follow.

I believe that by surrendering and trust we too can experience miracles that bring meaning and joy to our lives.

This Christmas season, let us remember the excellent example set by Mary and Joseph—and embrace imperfection as part of life.

 

Step 4: Remember God’s Grace and Mercy

Finally, remember that God’s grace and mercy is what strengthens us to endure difficult times.

Christmas is a reminder of this—that no matter the obstacles we face, God is always with us, and God will guide us through.

Rather than becoming overwhelmed by the expectations of perfection this holiday season, remember that imperfection does not mean giving up—it means surrendering and trusting God.

Invite God into your holiday celebration and allow love to fill your heart with peace and joy.

By doing so, your church can foster an environment where differences are celebrated, imperfection brings blessing, adaptability is faster, and surrender makes way for miracles.

You are creating a welcoming place for once-a-year guests as well as year-round worshipers to find peace in a hectic world.

May your Christmas be filled with the peace of imperfection.

To discover more about how to co-create miracles with God, join the many leaders who are Creating a Culture of Renewal®.

 

Copyright © 2022 rebekahsimonpeter.com. All Rights Reserved.

When The Holidays Bring Out the Worst in You

When The Holidays Bring Out the Worst in You

The holidays are supposed to be a time of joy, peace, and family.

But what about when the holidays bring out the worst in you?

When you get frustrated, stressed, anxious? Even angry.

Then what?

It’s important to find new ways to manage your emotions more effectively.

And to help your people do the same.

In this blog, I’ll explore why the holidays can be so stressful and give you tips for managing the stress, all so that you can reclaim the spirit of the season.

 

Stress, Trauma & The Season

We all have experiences of the past that impact our lives in the present.

Loss, unresolved grief, broken relationships, financial strain, and loneliness can bring on overwhelm.

These feelings are heightened during the holiday season.

The thought of buying gifts when the budget is tight or loved ones are missing from the dinner table can create extra stress.

Being a church leader adds a whole new dimension to the equation.

There are two seasons of exceptional busyness for church leaders: Easter and Christmas /Advent.

In my conversation with pastors, it seems that the Christmas season is more conflictual in the local church.

Why?

Expectations go up dramatically starting at Thanksgiving and continue all the way through New Year’s.

Several special services, holiday get-togethers, family traditions, and more get added to the calendar in just a few short weeks.

Not only that, but the holidays can bring out unresolved issues from past relationships with family members.

Even if a relationship is generally healthy and robust, the holiday season can bring to light existing tensions and memories of past conflicts.

These familial traumas may be challenging to recognize, as they are often deeply woven throughout family history.

Here’s the point. Whatever the source of your stress, it is essential to be gentle with yourself.

 

Identify Your Triggers 

The first step in managing holiday stress is to identify your triggers. Notice what situations cause you to become overwhelmed or anxious.

Once you have identified your triggers, you can develop strategies for dealing with them effectively. For example, if large gatherings stress you out, find a smaller group to chat with.

You can also try scheduling smaller events, such as one-on-one conversations or group activities that involve fewer people.

If too much shopping brings out the worst in you, make a list, create a budget and stick to it.

Knowing what sets off your stress can help you anticipate potential issues and develop coping mechanisms before they arise.

 

Make Time for Self-Care 

It’s easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of the holidays without leaving any time for yourself.

Taking care of yourself is essential to managing holiday stress.

Carve out some “me” time each day, whether it’s enjoying a relaxing bath, reading a book before bedtime, or taking a long walk with the dog.

Self-care is different for each of us, but one thing is true for all of us – if you are not making time for yourself during the season, you won’t be able to create space for others.

Nor will you experience the joy of the season.

 

Reach Out When You Need Help 

Don’t be afraid to reach out when you need help dealing with holiday stress.

Talking about your feelings openly can be difficult and provide a sense of relief and insight into potential solutions.

If this isn’t an option right now, consider writing down how you feel. Expressing yourself in writing can be just as therapeutic as talking one-on-one with another person.

 

Practical Wisdom

It is easy to get caught up in the high-tension moments.

Don’t say things that you won’t be able to take back after the holidays.

If you find yourself in conflict, objectively assess the situation by asking yourself what is at stake here. Try to diffuse the tension with understanding and grace.

It may help to remember the adage from Alcoholics Anonymous, “Think. Think. Think.” Before you act. Or even this one: “A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.”

It is possible to mend the most broken of relationships during the holiday season, but it is also possible to break them in ways that will take years to heal. ​

 

Reclaim The Heart of The Holiday

Remember that the holidays are about spending quality time with family and friends, celebrating cherished traditions, giving back to those in need, and celebrating the idea that God became one of us.

Don’t forget to make time for the things that bring you joy and peace.

Go to worship, get lost in God’s love, and spread love and happiness to others.

Make time for gratitude, even in the hardest of moments. Celebrate what makes you and your family unique and special.

Holiday stress is unavoidable, but it doesn’t have to be overwhelming.

By recognizing your triggers, making time for self-care, and reaching out when you need help, you can manage your stress levels and enjoy the holidays.

As long as you remain mindful of the practical wisdom available during this particular season, you will make the most of the holidays and usher in a new year with a peaceful heart.

To learn more about navigating conflictual situations during the holidays, check out my upcoming workshop, 3 Steps to Engage Conflict Productively. It will be a great way to start the new year.

Happy Holidays!

 

Copyright © 2022 rebekahsimonpeter.com. All Rights Reserved.

The Platinum Rule for Christmas

The Platinum Rule for Christmas

Ah, Christmas. The most wonderful time of year… Until it’s not.

The rush to get gifts and mail them, to make travel plans, to cook, and clean, and decorate – it can be a very stressful time. And that’s not even mentioning the stress that being with people can bring.

If you’re stressing about being with friends and family that you may not have seen for months or years this holiday, read on to learn how to one-up the Golden Rule and have the most peaceful season ever.

 

Wait, you can one-up the Golden Rule?

Yes! And thankfully, it’s easier than it sounds. From a very young age we were all taught the Golden Rule – do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Treat others the way you want to be treated.

But sometimes the Golden Rule doesn’t go far enough.

The Golden Rule assumes that the way I want to be treated is how others want to be treated. That the way I prefer to communicate applies to all people. And that underneath, our motivations are the same. Experience shows that’s just not true.

 

Enter the Platinum Rule

The Platinum Rule asserts that we need to treat others the way they want to be treated. It acknowledges that we each have different motivators, stressors, goals, fears, and priorities.

For instance, just because you like direct communication and want to move at a fast pace, doesn’t mean that everyone around you is comfortable with that. Or just because you value time to reflect and ruminate on decisions and are an emotionally geared person doesn’t mean that others share this perspective.

This is a large part of what we teach our Creating a Culture of Renewal® cohorts. We’ve worked with church leaders over the past 15 years and have found that by understanding these concepts and being aware of differences in communication styles, our participants are able to move from frustrating relationships to fruitful conversations with those they once found problematic.

 

I thought you said this would be easy…

I stand by that. By practicing and employing empathy and emotional intelligence, you will quickly find that you can effectively communicate with even the most difficult people in your life.

Begin to notice how others are communicating with you and do likewise. When those around you communicate in a direct and fast-paced manner, try doing the same with them. Don’t worry about offending them, they will likely appreciate your efforts to operate in their preferred way. When those around you need time to process all of the details and facts before making a decision, give them that time. Being insistent doesn’t give them the space they need to clearly think through their options and feeling restrained in this way can easily lead to unnecessary arguments.

Do your best to ascribe good motives to each person. Understand that they may just have a different way of doing things. Set aside your personal communication preferences. Instead, focus on what they are actually saying. As you get more comfortable with the Platinum Rule, gently point out how your preferences and theirs vary, without making either of you wrong or right. Assume the Spirit is equally alive and well in each of you, and that you are each friends of Jesus. Understand the implications that having to be right has and decide if you would rather be right, or have a productive relationship with another.

Platinum Rule Christmas 

The Polarization Trap

We now live in a world where polarizing beliefs and values have crept into every segment of our lives. Many people are content with maintaining the “us vs. them” mindset, as long as it means that their view is “right” and someone else gets to be “wrong.”

These polarizations are false dichotomies.  The more you buy into us vs. them, the more you solidify a false construct. It’s not that we don’t have very different ways of looking at the world, embracing change, or understanding holiness. We do. However, these different ways are not necessarily sinful…they are simply different. All the polarizations that exist now are temporary. Did you know that churches once fought over whether indoor plumbing should be allowed? Or if women could wear pants? The act of choosing up sides takes us father and farther from Jesus’ command to love one another as I have loved you. Instead of insisting on your preferences practice finding, identifying, and focusing on common underlying values.

Ready to give it a try for yourself?

As you move into the holidays, focus your efforts on acknowledging and understanding the ways in which you’re different from those around you. Be aware that while your approaches may not be the same, you have the ability to offer love and understanding anyway. Work to find the middle ground and see what develops once you move into that space.

Still need some more guidance? I’m hosting a Platinum Rule Leadership for Changing Times workshop in January that explores these concepts in more depth. This fun and interactive 3-session workshop promotes self-awareness, forgiveness, compassion, and understanding.

 

Copyright © 2021 rebekahsimonpeter.com, All Rights Reserved.