I first published a version of this blog in July of 2016 during the campaigns of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. Once again, we’re looking at either President Trump or our very first “Madame President” and what could be a contentious campaign season with polarizing politics, fastidious fact-checking, and flaring tempers. On a pastoral level, we’ve seen thousands of churches disaffiliate from the UMC since the 2019 special session decision. Throw in an unprecedented heatwave or two and we’re really experiencing some hot times!
That being said, I thought this was the perfect time to revive these 7 tips, with some revisions. I think they’re just as pertinent today as they were in 2016.
How do we stay cool in hot times? How do we keep the lines of communication open when we honestly disagree with each other?
Keeping Cool
My 7 tips for Keeping Cool in Hot Times are derived from my work with emotional intelligence.
1) Assume the best about others; not the worst. In 2016 when this blog was first published, I’d also written one about the election of Karen Oliveto to the episcopacy after which I received quite a bit of push-back.
Both then and now, I assumed that the colleagues whose opinions differed from my own cared every bit as much as I did about what is right and holy and good. We’ve had some good, heart to heart conversations about our assumptions. If you catch yourself thinking that yours is the only right way—this tip will be hard.
2) Ask how questions, not why questions. Why questions put people on the defensive. How questions encourage people to think creatively.
Ask “How did you arrive at this position?” instead of “Why do you think this way?” to get a better understanding of the other person’s reasons and story. Then, feel free to share how you came to your position on the issue.
3) Open your ears, not your mouth. When you’re talking to those who you don’t always agree with, listen to their answers. Really listen. Don’t just wait for them to pause so you can slip in your rebuttals. As you listen, you might just discover more similarities between the two of you than differences.
Identifying your shared humanity is an important part of staying cool in hot times.
4) Practice disagreeing without cutting others off. When it comes to hot topics, the usual response is to avoid, or to push away from another, and be done with them. Kick the dust off your heels and move on. Sometimes love actually requires us to stay connected in spite of disagreement. This is hard to do, but necessary.
In the groups I lead, we encourage a wide variety of theologies and perspectives, and work at staying at the table together.
5) Fact check, fact check, fact check. Just because someone repeats a talking point, or says it louder than others, doesn’t mean it’s necessarily true. Dig deep. Get the facts. They’re likely more complex than you first understood. This goes for everything from presidential politics to church politics to international politics.
6) Pray for each other. Ask God what you can do to forward the Kin(g)dom in the midst of change and upset. And how you can be kind toward those who misunderstand you and do good to those whom you fear may hate you. Ask to see things from another’s perspective.
7) Resist being hijacked. Fear activates the reptilian part of our brain that’s wired for fight or flight. It can also activate the limbic part of our brain that’s wired for emotion. So intense can the emotion be, that it literally hijacks our thinking and our responses—leading us to say things we might not otherwise say or do things we might later regret. The neocortex part of our brain is activated by higher-order thought processes like logic.
So, avoid gossip, reputation-bashing, and either-or thinking. While it feels powerful in the moment, it intensifies polarization. It’s hard to take words back once they’ve been spoken. Instead – pause, breathe, pray, and see what sort of logical or creative responses you can generate.
Yes, we are again in hot times, but by practicing these 7 tips, we can learn to keep our cool while, possibly, finding common ground with those around us.
Want to discover more about how to navigate intense situations with a cool head? Check out my upcoming free online seminar, How Christian Ministries are Achieving Success: An Intro to Creating a Culture of Renewal.
Updated and revised from original publication, July 2016.
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Thanks Rebekah for the wisdom and encouragement for keeping cool and being a better listener. Deeply appreciated! Keep up the good work!