How pastors and church leaders can deal with difficult personalities and strengthen healthy congregational leadership.

Emotional intelligence is key to leading well. Learning to manage your own responses, expectations, and reactions is essential to effective leadership for church renewal. But what about when your church is just plain dysfunctional or some people are just plain mean? When this is the case, it’s important for leaders to know not only how to manage their own emotions and behavior, but how to read and respond to other people. A different kind of emotional intelligence is needed here.

Let’s say your church starts off nice enough: people get along, there is a minimum of disagreement, no ugly conflict, things move forward nicely. You are a functional leader who is respected and moving the church in a positive direction.

Then, the unfortunate happens.

A jerk appears.
Or a cluster of jerks infiltrate.

Defined by Merriam Webster as “a stupid person or a person who is not well-liked or who treats other people badly,” you probably don’t need the definition to know a jerk when you see one.

Let’s say now the dynamics in your church are changing. You’ve got a fly in the ointment, a backstabber in the midst, or perhaps just someone who always seems to be stirring the pot.

It’s time to learn how to jerk-proof your church.

Here  three types of jerks, and four ways to jerk-proof your church.

 

Jerk #1: Their Anxiety Runneth Over

The first kind of jerk is overly anxious. Stuff is going on at home or at work that they’re having a hard time with. Instead of dealing with it directly, they bring it to the church and take it out on you.

When change is in the air they move into overdrive, stifling change and bad-mouthing change-agents. They’ve got their heels dug in, and try to turn others against the change agent too.

 

How to Respond

Edwin Friedman notes that churches need a strong immune system to keep these sorts of viruses from infecting healthy dynamics.

• Reaffirm your church’s vision and mission
• Let your decision-making affirm your highest ideals, not try to cure their anxiety
• Separate pastoral care from the future direction of your church

Their anxiety has nothing to do with you. Your decision-making is not the cause or the cure of their anxiety.

 

Jerk #2: The Dry Drunk

Arrogant, angry, controlling, and perfectionistic, this second kind of jerk has all the qualities of an alcoholic who isn’t drinking but who also isn’t working a 12-step program. In other words, they aren’t emotionally sober or spiritually grounded.

The dry drunk won’t rest until he or she has destroyed the leader, and brought the whole structure of the church down. Destruction, not upbuilding, is their goal.

These lone rangers often manage to get a few others to go along with them. A small but vocal minority. Then can turn a nice church bad and a cohesive church into a war zone.

 

How to Respond

Employ the 3 C’s of Al-Anon.

• I didn’t cause it
• I can’t control it
• I can’t cure it

In other words, their bad behavior is not based on something you’ve done. It also means there’s nothing you can do to get them to play nice with you.

Here’s what you can do:

• Set firm appropriate boundaries
• Get buy-in from the board, council or personnel committee to back you up on these boundaries
• Don’t put up with their destructive ways hoping they’ll change

They won’t.

Not buying into their drama, anonymous communications, outrages or upsets will cut off the fuel that sparks them. If not, request help from denominational authorities.

Also remember that sometimes the dry drunk isn’t dry. He or she may be an active alcoholic, drug or food addict, gambler, sex addict or what have you. If that’s the case, don’t let the disease of addiction hold sway over your church.

Remove these folks from positions of active leadership.

 

Jerk #3: The Triangulator

This jerk has a problem with someone but won’t deal directly with that person. Instead, they triangulate. They form a sick bond with another and unload their problems on them.

That puts others in the middle of their issue—others who can’t solve it.

Triangulators play the victim all the while stirring the pot. They bad talk the person but won’t go directly to them. Sometimes they write anonymous letters or start rumors.

 

How to Respond

Don’t participate with them in discussions about someone else.

Instead:

• Refuse to get drawn into gossip or venting sessions
• Tell them you won’t talk about another person who is not present
• Encourage them to speak directly with the person involved

Be firm. Say: “If you’re having a problem with that person, please speak with them directly. I can’t help you.”

Also, don’t give any consideration to unsigned letters or anonymous reports. Generally the amount of support they claim is inflated.

Look to see if a staff person or a retired pastor is involved in the triangulation. If they have made alliances with the triangulator or are leading the triangulation it’s time for a come-to-Jesus meeting.

These unholy alliances create dangerous territory for the current leader.

Staff or retired pastors may need to be removed, reprimanded, or asked to stay away.

 

The Fourth Way to Jerk-Proof Your Church:

Strengthen the Spiritual Life of the Congregation

The fourth way to jerk-proof your church is foundational to the health of a congregation: practice spiritual disciplines.

Jesus cast out many a demon. In addition to direct intervention, prayer and fasting played a large part in his success.

Healthy churches build spiritual strength before conflict arrives.

Practices such as prayer, confession, worship, and mutual accountability help create the kind of spiritual resilience that keeps difficult personalities from dominating the life of the congregation.

 

Need More Insight?

In an era when churches are navigating rapid cultural change and heightened congregational anxiety, these practices help develop the emotional and spiritual resilience that are essential for renewal.

In Creating a Culture of Renewal®, leaders learn how to strengthen a congregation’s spiritual immune system so renewal can take root and grow.

 

 

 

Adapted and edited from original printed in 2015.

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