by Rebekah Simon-Peter | Jan 20, 2015
Church conflict is something that strikes fear in the heart of church leaders. Why?
The vital statistics of many mainline churches already reflect declining health. The size of worship attendance is shrinking as are the number of active ministries, and the people involved in them. Baptisms trend downward while deaths trend upward. Why bring on more conflict when we’re already on shaky ground?
Fear of Conflict
I think we are afraid of church conflict because it might reveal irreconcilable differences. And then what would happen to the congregation? The already shaky boat might just capsize. And so we avoid things that might be conflictual or create tension.
But my work has show me most of the stuff church leaders are afraid of isn’t what pushes people out the door. It’s not so much a strong stance on social justice issues like poverty, racism, or gay marriage. It’s not even questions of the authority of the Bible that does it. In fact, two lay leaders recently confided to me they tune out when there isn’t anything challenging going on. They want to think a new thought, chew on a new idea, and engage a new way of looking at things. So, for most people, that’s not the issue.
People have all kinds of reasons for leaving church. I say at least give them a good reason to go. I’d like to share with you the difference between a good reason and a bad reason for leaving church and 4 Do’s and Don’ts when making the shift.
Why Leave Church?
Some people will never leave church. They were there before you got there, and they’ll be there after you leave. They’re loyal to the church and its traditions. Others aren’t so immovable. Some of them will leave if they’re not getting their way or they have been hurt by a comment, a leadership gaffe, or a pastoral slight. There’s not always a lot you can do about that.
But most people leave for reasons we have far more control over. Here are three: First, there is no new vision or direction for the church. It’s same old, same old. People are asked to risk nothing. They are bored, unengaged. Second, the church is simply going through the motions. Worship lacks spiritual depth or vulnerability. Prayer is lackluster. Preaching is uninspiring. Music is uneven. They don’t sense the sacred presence of Jesus or the movement of the Holy Spirit. Third, relationships are cliquish. Worshipers may be disconnected from each other, from visitors, or from the community around them.
Now these may all be valid reasons to leave church. That we church leaders tolerate this state of affairs is our bad. Let’s at least give people a good reason to go.
Give Them a Good Reason
What’s a good reason? A vibrant new direction that won’t please everyone. A bold, risky vision that requires big faith to enact. Worship that plunges spiritual depths, creates space for the Holy, and evokes emotional honesty. Relationships that go beyond the surface, inviting truth-telling and a community with people from a variety of backgrounds, circumstances, and ethnicities.
Make no mistake, these things will be uncomfortable and to some unpopular. Some people will leave BECAUSE they disagree. Maybe they don’t want to get their hands dirty and reach out beyond their comfort zone. Maybe they are sick of hearing about those people. Maybe they can’t understand how environmental stewardship relates to the life of faith. Perhaps racial reconciliation and economic justice don’t float their boat. Maybe they like the ways things have been just fine. No worries. The seats they vacate will be filled by others. Eventually the offering plate will be too.
People want an experience of Jesus. Of his values. Of his presence. Of his message. Of his radical love. The churches that don’t provide that will die. The churches that do provide that may well live.
Case in Point
One small mainline church I know was on the verge of closing. In fact, the 9 remaining people had decided it was time to call it quits. At their very last meeting, an older woman said, “But where I will go next Sunday morning?” Her lament re-opened the conversation. The little group decided to give it one last try. They hired a part time bi-vocational pastor who was passionate about connecting the church and the community. She wanted to create an inclusive space for all people, including youth at risk. Seven years later, the church is thriving! They have a church band with a professional musician from the community college, an active outreach to GLBT youth, a Friday night coffee house with live bands from the community, several 12-step meetings, and a free clothing ministry. The pastor is now full time, even as they share space with another worshiping congregation to make ends meet. This church has become the inclusive, progressive go-to community in a very politically and socially conservative town.
I was there on a recent Sunday morning and the sanctuary was comfortably full, with perhaps 60 people in attendance including a journalist from the local newspaper, entrepreneurs, several doctors, teachers, quite a few teenagers, older couples with canes and hearing aids, students from the college, and a smattering of recovering addicts. Even the mayor worships at this congregation! It was a refreshing experience.
Jesus had a powerful vision of the Kingdom of God. His preaching and teaching and ministry gave people direction; it pointed to something brand new. Sure, some people left Jesus. Others even killed him. But not because they were bored! We know how the story goes…a handful of followers led to the billions who now follow him.
If you’re going to lead church—whether you are clergy or laity—understand people will leave church. Can’t stop that. I say, at least give people a good reason to leave the church.
4 Do’s and Don’ts
Here are four do’s and don’ts to consider as you move forward:
1. Do prepare people for a change in direction. If you are presenting a new vision, give people plenty of time to get used to the idea, to ask questions, and to present their ideas too. Don’t expect everyone to be on board. But don’t back out if they’re not either. Ground your efforts in prayer, and trust God.
2. Do give people something new to chew on in your sermons, devotions, and Bible studies. Don’t be afraid to tackle tough issues. Just make sure to fairly represent all sides. Don’t be afraid to say where you stand, and why. People will appreciate your honesty and vulnerability, even if they disagree with you. Do make sure you have thought it through as much as you can, and don’t try to force others to believe or behave the way you do.
3. Do turn to Jesus and the Gospels for guidance. In good Jewish fashion, Jesus was involved in all kinds of healthy debate with those he agreed with, and those he disagreed with. No matter what, he remained true to himself and was prepared to answer for his beliefs. We are beneficiaries of that self-differentiation.
4. Do be of good courage! Our inspired visions, risky ministries, spiritually grounded worship, and courageously loving relationships can and do make a difference.
Without all this, your church is likely to continue declining and die anyway. Might as well give it a go!
by Rebekah Simon-Peter | Feb 6, 2014
True confession: I didn’t have a very high expectation of Bible studies when I first started going to church as an adult. I was prejudiced against the word “Bible” itself. I thought the initials BS in the bulletin stood for, well, B.S. I’m not sure why, but I didn’t expect to learn anything new. Boy, was I in for a surprise!
Do your people carry the same unconscious prejudice? The truth is a vibrant study of the Bible can transform a whole congregation.
Here are my top 3 tips to keep Bible study fresh:
- Adopt a sense of curiosity. Especially when reading the parables of Jesus. They don’t go where his listeners expected them to. The parable of the Good Samaritan should have had a Priest, a Levite, and an Israelite passing by the wounded man. Not a Samaritan; not your mortal enemy. Seriously??
- Go slow. Shoot for quality not quantity. Be willing to see a new word, notice a twist of phrase, ponder a turn in the story. I love the story of God calling Samuel. And the humility of Eli, even in his failings.
- Consult a new commentary. When pastoring an African-American congregation, I got the Original African Heritage Study Bible. It gave me a whole new perspective on things. Like how many characters in the Bible are black, how much of the Biblical story is set in Africa, and how completely unbiblical racism is.
Would love to hear how the Bible comes alive for YOU!
Also, if you’re interested in bringing a new depth to your Lent and Advent studies, shoot me an email about teaching Reading the Bible with Jewish Eyes or Christmas through Jewish Eyes at your church.
Here’s to a fresh look at an ancient book!
by Rebekah Simon-Peter | Jan 18, 2014
This week, I’m continuing to share tips for people of faith who are resolved to evolve in 2014. Tip #1 was
Get Authentic.
Tip #2 is Get to know Jesus, again.
When Jesus first came to me in a vision, over 20 years ago, it was a shock. Not only that he was in the business of appearing to Jews like me, but that he didn’t look anything like the pictures I had ever seen of him! He wasn’t blond haired and blue-eyed. He wasn’t white. He didn’t have straight hair. He wasn’t tall. He wasn’t somber. He was curly-haired, olive-skinned, short and handsome! And most definitely Jewish. Just like a close reading of the New Testament would later reveal to me.
What’s your picture or image of Jesus? Maybe it’s time to be open to a change!
A recent Christian Century article, Jewish and Pacifist, made the case that “The separation of Jesus from his Jewishness is what led to the accommodation and eventual support of racism by traditional theology.” Not to mention centuries of church sponsored anti-Semitism!
It led to a “generic” or universalist Jesus that turned out to be white, European, and Christian!
Having a new experience of Jesus can refresh your faith. And shake the cobwebs out of your assumptions. It sure did mine.
I like the idea that getting the particulars of Jesus right–ethnicity, culture, religion–actually combats racism and anti-Semitism. Maybe all the isms!
This year, as you resolve to evolve, resolve to get to know Jesus, again. To help you…
- Read and discus The Jew Named Jesus. Pub theology groups, Bible studies, book clubs, others are reading and discussing this in a variety of settings.
- Host a wonderful Passover Seder, replete with Matzah, Hebrew blessings, and the cup of Elijah.
- Dig into whether the day of Jesus’ death was a Good Friday or Bad Friday.
To help you get into Jesus’ world, I’ve got another quiz for you with 3 questions:
What is the name of the calendar the year 2014 is based on? What calendar did Jesus follow? What is one of the main differences between the two calendars? The first one to answer all 3 questions correctly gets a free autographed copy of “The Jew Named Jesus.” Send us your answer, along with your name and address to claim your prize.
by Rebekah Simon-Peter | Jan 8, 2014
As promised, here is the first of my top 5 or 6 tips for people of faith who are resolved to evolve this year! Here’s tip #1: Get Authentic.
When I pastored churches, I knew most of the people in the congregations I served–quite a few pretty well. We had conversations with some level of transparency on my part, and on theirs. Later, it surprised me to learn that all these folks I knew didn’t really know each other!
Never mind that some of them had been going to church together for decades.
They knew of each other, and about each other. But they didn’t really know each other. They weren’t genuinely friends.
Now that I work with churches in a variety of ways–leading retreats, teaching workshops, and coaching leaders–I can see that my congregations were not unique. Just because people worship together doesn’t mean they feel safe together.
That’s kinda strange, don’t you think?? We bring people together to study, worship and work. And even change the world. Without the kind of resilient bonds and relationships that make that do-able. Especially when conflict rolls around.
Would things change if your “community of faith” was truly acommunity? I mean, what if we truly knew each other–our weaknesses and our strengths? What if we were transparent with each other?
Jesus and his disciples hung out A LOT..they traveled together, ate together, debated together, fished together, partied together, fought together, learned together, made up together. They shared living space. Over time, they not only knew of and about each other, they were friends. That was a lot of time for transparency, authenticity. Tell me that didn’t have something to do with why they were so effective later on after Jesus died!
I listened to an interview recently about people who are spiritual but not religious. It pointed to another aspect of authenticity that religious people can learn from. It turns out those who identify as spiritual want, even more than those who are religious, to pose and savor good questions, to take on the status quo, and to freely express themselves in the process–without having to conform to pre-set norms. It’s in this process that they come alive, and experience the Divine.
My own belief, and my experience, is that as we are more truly ourselves–without trying to look good, follow the rules, or go along to get along–that God becomes most real. These epiphanies often happen in conversation with others.
So, for those who resolve to evolve in, here’s my suggestion: create the space and the permission where people can be authentically themselves. I’m thinking something like youth group for adults!
Why does Youth Group have the potential to be so transformative? And so hard? There’s no set agenda! You never know what students might bring up, or what personal problem or societal issue will become the topic of discussion. You never know who is going to cry. Nor who will shine. And how the group will bond, and come to experience God. But one thing you can count on: they will tell the truth, as they see it.
What if we set up those sorts of experiences for adults as well as youth? Experiences which let us truly get to know each other: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Here’s what I say: Let go of the pre-set agendas, and set the stage for transparency, tears, revelations, honesty. Kinda like Jesus did.
In his book Missional Renaissance, Reggie McNeal writes that for churches looking to go missional, people development must take priority over program development. Authenticity is a must for people development.
This year, as you resolve to evolve, resolve to get to know each other–at a whole new level. And do it more than just once a year. Plan a series of experiences that reward play, self-revelation, and self-awareness. In a word: authenticity. By all means, do it intergenerationally, whenever possible.
Some ideas:
- Go out to dinner together or have potlucks.
- Share your spiritual journeys.
- Do a project that groups or pairs people up and requires them to get to know each other.
If you’re looking for a retreat that builds a sense of the common good, and helps people truly get to know themselves and each other, click here to check out For the Common Good!
By the way, thanks to all those who answered last week’s fun question about Mr. Banks. We had a tie for the free book: congrats to winners GW Bill Warren and Deb Polanski!
Stay tuned for next week’s tip!
by Rebekah Simon-Peter | Aug 14, 2013
Those of you who are familiar with the DiSC model of human behavior know that DiSC is an acronym for four types of human behavior.
And that each behavioral style reacts differently depending on the situation. Understanding the four styles is imperative to confronting conflict in a conscious and effective way, a way that will bring a positive resolution, and work toward enhancing how individuals in your congregation relate to, and work with, one another.
Let’s take a look at those DiSC styles, how each style responds to conflict, and how you, as a leader in your church, can be conscious (and conscientious) in your response to each behavioral style.
D stands for Dominance. You can probably bring to mind those in your congregation who are high D’s pretty quickly! They tend to be a bit demanding, even to the point of becoming aggressive and forceful. They know that their position is right, refuse to bend and will fight for victory!
You appreciate the assertiveness of your D’s and their push for results, but they’re often the cause of that thinning hair and aspirin addiction (see Four Ways to Ease Conflict!)
But, don’t despair! You can work effectively with Dominant congregants. Just make sure that you:
1) Be brief, to the point, and clear on rules and expectations. D’s are independent workers; respect that and use it to your congregation’s advantage!
2) They like to be initiators. Let them initiate when possible.
3) Respect their need for autonomy. Don’t expect your D’s to be overly sensitive to others in your group. It’s not in their nature. They’re not your social butterflies!
Your D’s ARE results-oriented, so make sure they know the ropes, then see what happens!
i means Influence. You know your i’s because they like to be acknowledged for everything they do! That’s because i’s are assertive like D’s, but their goal is not so much to win in the end, but to be noticed and appreciated for what they do. In conflict, the i’s want to be heard, In their efforts to that end, they may get emotional. In fact, they might even surprise you by verbally attacking others.
When approaching your i folks, be sure to:
1) Be informal, relaxed and sociable. Unlike D’s, i’s like to be around others. They appreciate you taking the time to listen. Be light-hearted and humorous!
2) Write down details. They’ll need this to stay on track of what YOUR goal for the congregation is!
3) i’s are vulnerable to rejection, even if it’s simply a perceived rejection. Make sure to give them public recognition for their efforts.
Steadiness is the way for the S behavioral style. S’s focus on feelings and their goal is harmony in the group. They avoid confrontation and want others to be cooperative and agreeable but when conflict inevitably occurs, they tend to surrender while simmering beneath the surface. Very occasionally, they will boil over!
When working with those in the S behavioral comfort zone:
1) Be systematic and consistent with your guidance. S’s have difficulty with deadlines and prioritizing.
2) The S style is resistant to change. Let them adapt slowly, but do let them know how things will be done.
3) S’s, like I’s, do want to be appreciated. Don’t forget to let them know how important they are to you and your congregation!
Those high in Conscientiousness, are justice-oriented. C’s value accuracy and control. In their conscientious use of logic and facts, they tend to forget the contributions of others who might be more emotionally-oriented, and get defensive and resistant if confronted. They want justice. Or to put it plainly, they want to be right!
For C’s, you’ll need to:
1) Be clear on expectations and deadlines. They appreciate your respect and will respond with loyalty.
2) Make sure you value their high standards and attention to detail.
3) Like your D’s, C’s don’t need a lot of socializing. They want to get down to business and appreciate emotionally reserved directions.
Making a truly conscious effort to manage conflict by using these simple steps will help you and your congregation work more effectively, successfully, and peacefully, together!
Now don’t forget, everyone has a little bit of each behavioral style within them. But knowing which style is dominant in an individual can make a real difference in how your congregation works together. That’s where prayer comes in. Ask God to guide and direct your thoughts and intuition.
But if you get it wrong, give me a holler and let’s see what we can figure out together! You might also like to get yourself a coach, join a supportive group with built-in accountability and start creating a breakthrough in your congregational culture. If that’s the case, then the DiSC and Discipleship Group Coaching Program could be just right for you!
Blessings on the journey, my friend!
P.S. DiSC is registered trademark of Inscape Publishing/Wiley.
by Rebekah Simon-Peter | Jun 28, 2013
In my work with church leaders and their congregations, I often hear the words, “They’re all good people. Why can’t we just get along and work together?”
Great question! We’re all part of one human family, but that doesn’t save us from seemingly endless strife.
But there ARE ways to ease conflict in your church, ways that you can learn to work together with greater success and vitality than you’ve ever dreamed possible. With these 4 Steps to Easing Conflict, you really can stop pulling your hair out and put away the aspirin bottle!
1. Embrace Your Humanity.
Yep! The first step is all about YOU! Embrace your own humanity.
When conflict strikes, especially when it seems ever-present in our congregations, its easy to point a finger at ourselves. “I MUST be the problem!” But before you get too hard on yourself, take a step back. You’re doing God’s work and it wasn’t always easy for Jesus, either! Sometimes his message wasn’t well-received or fell on deaf ears. But, he kept on truckin’!
Conflict doesn’t signal disaster. In fact, it may be a sign that things are starting to work, that people are thinking and caring about what’s happening in your church and how to make things work better. They care enough to speak up and voice their opinions. A lack of conflict, in fact, could mean that nobody’s listening, nobody cares.
Building fair, just, honest and holy relationships is hard work! Accept that and accept yourself.
In the midst of arguments, hurt feelings, and temper tantrums, embrace your own humanity just as you are. Just as God does.
2. Discover What Motivates You and Those Around You.
How important are your motivators? Well, very important in easing conflict!
Take a look at what’s truly motivating you in your ministry. Is your priority building your congregation while your lay leaders are more concerned with community involvement? Are you trying to build a social justice ministry while their main focus is the next bake sale? Are you wanting to see changes NOW while they are working steadily at (what you consider) a snail’s pace?
Pace and Priority (those key words again!), don’t need to be the same to work together successfully and peacefully, but knowing your motivators and those of whom you’re working with, is essential.
3. Decode Conflict.
Once you’ve discovered motivations, it’s time to take the next step and decode the conflict that’s slowing you down. What’s really going on for your people when they’re in conflict?
If you know that Sasha’s conscientiousness motivates her to get things done systematically, completing one project before going on to the next, you can see why Martin’s enthusiasm and energy, his pace and desire to start new programs and ideas, might cause tension. Their Pace and Priority levels are very different.
But, once you have the tools to decode the conflict around you, to understand motivators, what makes people “tick”, you can help facilitate Sasha and Martin to the satisfaction of both and the benefit of your church!
4. Strategize for Success.
Now, that you’ve embraced your own humanity, as well as that of your church leaders, and understand that we all truly have different motivations though all for what each of us perceives as the good of the church, you can work together more efficiently in strategizing for the success of your church community!
Finally, kick back and breathe. Then breathe again. Trust God to lead you through the process.
I’m always here to help too. Send an email to of****@***************er.com if you’d like a complementary consultation about how to ease conflict in your congregation.
