by Rebekah Simon-Peter | Aug 14, 2013
Those of you who are familiar with the DiSC model of human behavior know that DiSC is an acronym for four types of human behavior.
And that each behavioral style reacts differently depending on the situation. Understanding the four styles is imperative to confronting conflict in a conscious and effective way, a way that will bring a positive resolution, and work toward enhancing how individuals in your congregation relate to, and work with, one another.
Let’s take a look at those DiSC styles, how each style responds to conflict, and how you, as a leader in your church, can be conscious (and conscientious) in your response to each behavioral style.
D stands for Dominance. You can probably bring to mind those in your congregation who are high D’s pretty quickly! They tend to be a bit demanding, even to the point of becoming aggressive and forceful. They know that their position is right, refuse to bend and will fight for victory!
You appreciate the assertiveness of your D’s and their push for results, but they’re often the cause of that thinning hair and aspirin addiction (see Four Ways to Ease Conflict!)
But, don’t despair! You can work effectively with Dominant congregants. Just make sure that you:
1) Be brief, to the point, and clear on rules and expectations. D’s are independent workers; respect that and use it to your congregation’s advantage!
2) They like to be initiators. Let them initiate when possible.
3) Respect their need for autonomy. Don’t expect your D’s to be overly sensitive to others in your group. It’s not in their nature. They’re not your social butterflies!
Your D’s ARE results-oriented, so make sure they know the ropes, then see what happens!
i means Influence. You know your i’s because they like to be acknowledged for everything they do! That’s because i’s are assertive like D’s, but their goal is not so much to win in the end, but to be noticed and appreciated for what they do. In conflict, the i’s want to be heard, In their efforts to that end, they may get emotional. In fact, they might even surprise you by verbally attacking others.
When approaching your i folks, be sure to:
1) Be informal, relaxed and sociable. Unlike D’s, i’s like to be around others. They appreciate you taking the time to listen. Be light-hearted and humorous!
2) Write down details. They’ll need this to stay on track of what YOUR goal for the congregation is!
3) i’s are vulnerable to rejection, even if it’s simply a perceived rejection. Make sure to give them public recognition for their efforts.
Steadiness is the way for the S behavioral style. S’s focus on feelings and their goal is harmony in the group. They avoid confrontation and want others to be cooperative and agreeable but when conflict inevitably occurs, they tend to surrender while simmering beneath the surface. Very occasionally, they will boil over!
When working with those in the S behavioral comfort zone:
1) Be systematic and consistent with your guidance. S’s have difficulty with deadlines and prioritizing.
2) The S style is resistant to change. Let them adapt slowly, but do let them know how things will be done.
3) S’s, like I’s, do want to be appreciated. Don’t forget to let them know how important they are to you and your congregation!
Those high in Conscientiousness, are justice-oriented. C’s value accuracy and control. In their conscientious use of logic and facts, they tend to forget the contributions of others who might be more emotionally-oriented, and get defensive and resistant if confronted. They want justice. Or to put it plainly, they want to be right!
For C’s, you’ll need to:
1) Be clear on expectations and deadlines. They appreciate your respect and will respond with loyalty.
2) Make sure you value their high standards and attention to detail.
3) Like your D’s, C’s don’t need a lot of socializing. They want to get down to business and appreciate emotionally reserved directions.
Making a truly conscious effort to manage conflict by using these simple steps will help you and your congregation work more effectively, successfully, and peacefully, together!
Now don’t forget, everyone has a little bit of each behavioral style within them. But knowing which style is dominant in an individual can make a real difference in how your congregation works together. That’s where prayer comes in. Ask God to guide and direct your thoughts and intuition.
But if you get it wrong, give me a holler and let’s see what we can figure out together! You might also like to get yourself a coach, join a supportive group with built-in accountability and start creating a breakthrough in your congregational culture. If that’s the case, then the DiSC and Discipleship Group Coaching Program could be just right for you!
Blessings on the journey, my friend!
P.S. DiSC is registered trademark of Inscape Publishing/Wiley.
by Rebekah Simon-Peter | Jun 28, 2013
In my work with church leaders and their congregations, I often hear the words, “They’re all good people. Why can’t we just get along and work together?”
Great question! We’re all part of one human family, but that doesn’t save us from seemingly endless strife.
But there ARE ways to ease conflict in your church, ways that you can learn to work together with greater success and vitality than you’ve ever dreamed possible. With these 4 Steps to Easing Conflict, you really can stop pulling your hair out and put away the aspirin bottle!
1. Embrace Your Humanity.
Yep! The first step is all about YOU! Embrace your own humanity.
When conflict strikes, especially when it seems ever-present in our congregations, its easy to point a finger at ourselves. “I MUST be the problem!” But before you get too hard on yourself, take a step back. You’re doing God’s work and it wasn’t always easy for Jesus, either! Sometimes his message wasn’t well-received or fell on deaf ears. But, he kept on truckin’!
Conflict doesn’t signal disaster. In fact, it may be a sign that things are starting to work, that people are thinking and caring about what’s happening in your church and how to make things work better. They care enough to speak up and voice their opinions. A lack of conflict, in fact, could mean that nobody’s listening, nobody cares.
Building fair, just, honest and holy relationships is hard work! Accept that and accept yourself.
In the midst of arguments, hurt feelings, and temper tantrums, embrace your own humanity just as you are. Just as God does.
2. Discover What Motivates You and Those Around You.
How important are your motivators? Well, very important in easing conflict!
Take a look at what’s truly motivating you in your ministry. Is your priority building your congregation while your lay leaders are more concerned with community involvement? Are you trying to build a social justice ministry while their main focus is the next bake sale? Are you wanting to see changes NOW while they are working steadily at (what you consider) a snail’s pace?
Pace and Priority (those key words again!), don’t need to be the same to work together successfully and peacefully, but knowing your motivators and those of whom you’re working with, is essential.
3. Decode Conflict.
Once you’ve discovered motivations, it’s time to take the next step and decode the conflict that’s slowing you down. What’s really going on for your people when they’re in conflict?
If you know that Sasha’s conscientiousness motivates her to get things done systematically, completing one project before going on to the next, you can see why Martin’s enthusiasm and energy, his pace and desire to start new programs and ideas, might cause tension. Their Pace and Priority levels are very different.
But, once you have the tools to decode the conflict around you, to understand motivators, what makes people “tick”, you can help facilitate Sasha and Martin to the satisfaction of both and the benefit of your church!
4. Strategize for Success.
Now, that you’ve embraced your own humanity, as well as that of your church leaders, and understand that we all truly have different motivations though all for what each of us perceives as the good of the church, you can work together more efficiently in strategizing for the success of your church community!
Finally, kick back and breathe. Then breathe again. Trust God to lead you through the process.
I’m always here to help too. Send an email to of****@***************er.com if you’d like a complementary consultation about how to ease conflict in your congregation.
by Rebekah Simon-Peter | May 28, 2013
Myrna Jean met me at the door when I walked in to my first day at the new church. “The good thing about living in a small town,” she said impishly, “is that someone always knows what you are up to. And if by chance you can’t remember, they’ll tell you!” Her laughing words were prophetic.
I didn’t always know what I was doing when it came to brokering delicate relationships and thorny conflicts. Sometimes I was direct when diplomacy would have been better. Other times I avoided conflict when dealing with it head on would have saved a lot of heartache.
I wasn’t always that good at reading the signs people telegraphed about how they wanted to be treated. In fact, I was a classic example of someone who lived by the Golden Rule instead of the Platinum Rule. You remember The Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The Platinum Rule turns that sage advice on its head: Treat others the way they want to be treated. Get the difference? If so, you’re a quick study! It took me awhile to get it.
For instance, I crave both positive affirmation and adventure. So as the minister, I was lavish with praise and quick to strike out on theological and liturgical adventures. In other words, I was always encouraging others and changing the order of worship. It worked for me; I figured it worked for the rest of my congregation. That’s the Golden Rule approach.
Truthfully, it did work for Dave and Gary and Sam and Teresa. Joe, on the other hand, as well as Maylene and Kit, and a host of others, craved stability as much as I craved adventure. They liked the order of worship fine, thank you very much! They were also uncomfortable with lavish praise; quiet appreciation was more their style. I hit home runs with Dave, Gary, Sam and Teresa. More often than not, I struck out with Joe, Maylene and Kit. And Myrna Jean.
Who knew? Myrna Jean, as it turns out. And she told me so on more than one occasion. I took what she said to heart.
Over time, I learned how adapt my style so that I was still true to myself, (and Dave, Gary, Sam and Teresa) without alienating the rest of the congregation. That meant learning how to manage my communication and decision-making so that it engaged a broader range of people. In other words, I learned how to balance the Golden Rule AND the Platinum Rule.
Turns out that understanding others is as much a science as it as art. It requires compassion yes, but also emotional intelligence. With the right information, and practice, I’ve gotten much better at it. I’m pretty good now with the steady crowd, even though I still prefer bold change and the occasional shock to my system. Nor do I mind dishing it out!
Now that I’m no longer a congregational minister, I’m getting to discover what it feels to be on the receiving end of unadapted communication. It’s a lesson in humility and frustration. It’s like being terribly thirsty, turning on the tap for a glass of water, but being able able to fill my glass just a bit. I get enough to swish some water around in my mouth, but not enough to slake my thirst. It leaves me wanting more.
Here’s what I mean. One of the churches I worship in has a beautifully kind minister. She is calm, gentle, careful and steady; very pastoral. She’s giving what she’d like to receive. Personally, I love her. If I were in the hospital, I’d want her to come see me and pray with me. Her style works for lots of people, folks just like Myrna Jean, Joe, Maylene and Kit.
Worship-wise, though, I’m frustrated. A steady diet of calm gentleness, carefulness and steadiness in sermons, prayer, singing, and the order of worship leaves me feeling restless, bored. It’s not what I respond to best. I long for adventure in prayer, a demanding call to action in the sermon and songs that shake me up a bit. And a God who sees things the same way.
That’s something Myrna Jean, bless her heart, figured out about me a long time ago.
Once I got a handle on the differences between me and others, I developed a program to help other church leaders speed up their learning curve and become more effective in leading people who are very different. I invite you to check it out. The sanity you save may be your own! In the meantime, I just may find some new churches to visit on Sunday morning.
by Rebekah Simon-Peter | Jul 30, 2012
Our wonderful nephew Max and niece Kate have been visiting Jerry and I for the last week. Once we got over our initial fears of entertaining kids for a week, we’ve had a blast! Of all the things we’ve done– the rodeo and rides at Cheyenne Frontier Days, hiking Casper Mountain, spotting deer and antelope, and a sleepover with the neighborhood kids–the very best has been horseback riding.
Yesterday, on horseback, we found ourselves retracing the route of westward settlers on the old Oregon Trail. We saw a bison jump used by the Native Americans. And an eagle’s nest. It was a wonderful immersion in American history and natural history.
All the while, trail horses Spot, Hope, Burrito, and Hancock were well-behaved and patient. They’ve been giving lessons and trail rides for years. In fact, they know the trails so well they didn’t really need us to show them the way. They knew exactly where we were and where we were going.
Nevertheless, when we let loose on the reins, they ambled along at their own pace, and stopped to eat whenever they wanted. That made for some slow riding.
It struck me that there’s nothing like horseback riding to teach a young person how important it is to develop a mind of one’s own.
If you don’t use yours, the horses will use theirs!
Kate, almost 11, looks up to her big brother, Max, 14, in every way. Whatever he wants to do, she wants to do. If Max wants to watch the Olympics, she wants to watch the Olympics. If Max wants pizza, she wants pizza.
“What do you want to eat?” I pressed her at one point. “I don’t know.” she said, “Ask Max.” “But what if one day Max isn’t right there to help you figure it out?” “Then I’ll call him.”
At some point, it’s important to develop a mind of one’s own. Our big brothers, big sisters, or others we look up to, may fail us. Nor can they speak for us forever.
Leaders must be able to articulate their own mind. Find their own voice. Muster the courage of their own convictions. And lead us into an uncharted future.
The Church is in need of just such leaders.
A pastor friend of mine recently posted on Facebook: “I wonder if we in America need to do a better job of defining our beliefs, acting on our beliefs, giving a better witness to who we are as 21st Century, progressive Christians and thereby redefining Christianity in America in such a way as to attract new believers…? Just a thought.”
Lots of people hit the like button.
She then went went on to ask, “Why are we so timid?? Lost?? Uncreative?? SILENT??”
Good question! Why are we?
I don’t think it’s that most of us don’t have minds of our own. I think it’s that we are afraid to give voice to them. For fear that others will disapprove. And the whole thing called church may come crashing down around us.
That silent timidity is what happens when we’re worried about surviving.
Surely, some will disagree. Some will disapprove. Some will leave.
And…
…just as surely others will gladly inhale the breath of life that is unleashed when someone dares to say what they truly think and believe. Even if they disagree!
It takes that kind of authenticity to move from survival into a new kind of growth. A growth that isn’t based on the safety and security of the past. Or on avoiding the pitfalls of the past. But one founded on a trust in the future. And the God who beckons us into it.
One day Katie is going to mature enough to trust herself and her future. Even when she makes a choice she regrets. She’ll learn to live with the consequences and feel an inner freedom in the process. She’ll discover her own mind. Articulate her own thoughts. Voice her own requests. And thereby create her very own future.
May we in the Church do likewise.
It’s that or die.
Meanwhile, it’s back on the trail for us. Giddyup!
