by Rebekah Simon-Peter | Nov 19, 2018
Some years back, I had a particularly difficult parishioner. Let’s call him Jack. Jack was gruff, opinionated, and sometimes caustic. I was 
often afraid around him, and defensive. It didn’t take long to realize that he reminded me of another gruff, opinionated and sometimes caustic person in my life—my grandfather. Although small in stature—like this parishioner—my grandfather was a scary figure for me as a child. He was like the hard man in the parable of the talents who reaped where he did not sow. One of his famous sayings was, “You want something to cry about? I’ll give you something to cry about!” That threat was followed by the appearance of a belt. Not exactly comforting for a little kid. Needless to say, Jack never pulled out a belt, or threatened me, but I often felt small and young around him. Surprisingly, I found a way to be grateful for him.
At some point, I realized that I perceived Jack through an emotional filter of fear and defensiveness. Once it occurred to me that I was projecting my grandfather on to him I was able to get some emotional distance from him and put him into proper perspective. I was able to see and feel that I was no longer a child, that he did not intend to hurt me, and the fear that I was feeling was left over from childhood. It didn’t belong to this time and place.
As I began to pray for him, I also cut myself some slack. I found I could approach him with greater confidence and openness. As our relationship shifted onto healthier terrain, I saw that some of his comments to me were helpful, and some of his insights were right on.
Then another insight surfaced. Jack had been trying to communicate a whole slew of things to me that I missed entirely. I was so caught up in my own stuff that I didn’t realize he was putting out subtle cries for help. His marriage was on rocky ground, his health was deteriorating, and spiritually, he needed me to be available, not closed down.
Giving thanks for Jack allowed me to go from being defensive to present, from shut down to available.
When you come to a relationship with tainted attitudes—toward yourself or others—it’s hard to listen with an open heart or mind. This won’t empower you as a leader. And it won’t empower your people to trust or follow you.
Who are you not present and available for? Give thanks for the difficult people in your life. Then, identify what’s in the way of being fully present. Take the time to resolve it, so that you can bring your full humanity, and your full spiritual powers, to bear.
In the meantime, please join me January 4 and 11 for my Mastering Conflict Online Workshop.
by Rebekah Simon-Peter | Nov 12, 2018
What words come to mind when you think of conflict? I recently asked a 
group of a dozen church leaders. Answers ranged from anxiety, avoidance, and scared, to trying to keep the peace.
We are facing conflict in many ways in our world right now—national, political, ethnic, denominational, and familial. These conflicts heighten the tension in our churches. That can lead to some pretty bad situations.
Jesus offers some processes for dealing with conflict so that it doesn’t turn destructive. The Gospels say things like turn the other cheek, take another person with you when you have to call someone out, or forgive so that you can be forgiven.
But what if you can’t?
I want to introduce you to a process of self-regulation that will increase your capacity to follow Jesus’ counsel. In the world of emotional intelligence, self-regulation is the ability to master your emotions, responses and behaviors. In other words, with increased ability to self-regulate, you can turn the other cheek instead of hitting back. You can have a calm conversation instead of stomping off and slamming doors. You can forgive instead of seething.
First, let’s take a look at what actually happens in a conflict situation: Conflict > Automatic Thought > Destructive Behavior.
An automatic thought is an unconscious assessment of what is happening. Automatic thoughts lead to generally destructive behavior. For instance, let’s say someone challenges me. And that my automatic thought is, “He’s trying to make me look stupid!” In that case, I’m likely to get defensive and self-righteous. I’m going to want to prove my point instead of really listen to what he’s saying. The more I try to prove my point, the more I shut down any conversation. And the more likely he is to think, “#$%* She doesn’t even listen.” That will set up some destructive responses from him. See where this is going?
Instead of going down that path, here’s an emotional intelligence tool that will help you stay calm. In this acronym, each letter stands for an action to increase your self-regulation.
C: Calm yourself. For most of us this means pausing and praying. Or even simply breathing. Breathing gives us a chance to move out of fight or flight, and back into cognitive processes. In other words, it gives us a chance to access wisdom instead of simply reacting.
A: Assess your Automatic Thought. Tune in to your automatic thought. Bring it from the subconscious to the conscious realm. When you become aware of what you’re thinking, you’re on the road to choosing a new thought.
L: Listen to what was actually said instead of how you automatically interpreted it. Discover a new way of making sense of their comments. Listen both with your heart and your head.
M: Make a new response. Now that you have calmed yourself, assessed and listened, intentionally choose to make a new response. Think a new thought. Respond in a new way.
Conflict is a fact of life. At its best, it helps us clarify our values, articulate our needs, and arrive at new insights. At its worst, it tears us apart.
As stewards of the Gospel dream of the Kingdom of God, we owe it to ourselves to increase the love in the world, and not the anxiety; to increase the Kingdom and not conflict. That means we need to master ourselves. To practice self-regulation.
Ready to learn more about how to stay CALM? Join me for my upcoming Mastering Conflict workshop!
by Rebekah Simon-Peter | Oct 29, 2018
Violent conflict is all around us. Not only are we honoring Domestic Violence Prevention month, we have also lived through much recent 
public conflict. This includes a contentious Supreme Court nominee proceeding further tainted by sexual abuse allegations, a terrifying mass shooting at a synagogue in Pittsburgh and eleven pipe bombs sent to high-profile national leaders and philanthropists. I’d like to name five kinds of congregational approaches. And to offer a bonus webinar on “Productive Conflict.”
As congregations do church in the midst of violence, we have a range of options.
1) Insular congregations avoid naming conflict. Instead of acknowledging violent acts in the private or public sphere, they opt to focus on local activities and local concerns. These insular congregations preserve a sense of safety. But miss the opportunity to connect with larger movements of love, prayer, grief, and solidarity. They also impose an emotional cut-off for congregants impacted by these seemingly removed acts of violence.
2) Harmony-at-all-costs congregations affirm love and forgiveness. But never name people, places or situations that cry out for either love or forgiveness. These congregations preserve a pseudo-harmony by not broaching topics that could divide. However, they miss the opportunity to model effective ways of dealing with conflict.
3) Pastoral congregations name violent offenses while offering prayer and affirmation. As they bind up wounds, they connect the Gospel with our everyday lives. These congregations run the risk of becoming Eeyore-ish, since acts of violence may always be found. Grief may eventually outweigh rejoicing.
4) Prophetic congregations reflect theologically about acts that destroy domestic harmony or public civility. These congregations actively equip us with biblical language, metaphors, and approaches to the world around us. The risk here is that not everyone will agree with any given reflection. Pastors need to be prepared to lay out a biblical case for their reflections. And to offer pastoral care to those who feel slighted.
5) Doomsday congregations encourage, or at least do not discourage, violence. These apocalyptic groups play into hopelessness and fear by proclaiming that the end is near. This approach denies God the power of resurrection.
As a Jewish Christian whose extended family is deeply involved in cultivating and preserving Jewish life, fear and anger gripped me when I heard about the Tree of Life Synagogue shooting in Pittsburgh. Will my pastor think it important to mention this? At times, this congregation has been very insular, and sought to preserve harmony at all costs. My expectations were as low as my heart. Yet, I was deeply gratified when the senior pastor took a moment to intentionally stand by the flag and offer a heartfelt prayer for the Jewish community and the victims of the synagogue shooting. “This is not who we are as a country,” she said. “It is not who Christ calls us to be.” It was a poignant moment. One this Jewish Christian needed to bring some healing to my soul, and to feel part of my congregation once again. In less than 5 minutes, she was both pastoral and prophetic; it was brilliant pastoring.
Conflict will always be with us. It doesn’t have to get violent. In fact, it can be productive. To help us navigate these times, please join me for a special one-hour bonus webinar on Productive Conflict: Making the Most of Bad Situations on Friday, November 9, 10-11am MT. Send your email address, name, phone number and congregation/location to re*****@***************er.com to join in.
by Rebekah Simon-Peter | Jul 25, 2016
Trump and Hillary. The Republican National Convention, the Democratic National Convention, polarizing politics. Blue on black violence. Black on blue violence. Vets killing cops. Terrorist attacks. Endless mass shootings. Add to this already explosive mix, the unprecedented, unexpected election of an openly gay United Methodist Bishop and you have a recipe for potential upset. Opinions abound. So do tempers.
It got me thinking: How do we stay cool in hot times? How do we keep the lines of communication open when we honestly disagree with each other?
I’d like to offer 7 tips for keeping cool in hot times, derived from my work with emotional intelligence.
1. Assume the best about others; not the worst. I’ve received quite a bit pushback on my own recent post about the election of Karen Oliveto to the episcopacy. I assume that these colleagues care every bit as much as I do about what is right and holy and good. We’ve had some good, heart to heart conversations about our assumptions. If you catch yourself thinking that yours is the only right way—this tip will be hard.
2. Ask how questions, not why questions. Why questions put people on the defensive. How questions encourage people to think creatively. For instance: How did you arrive at this position? Not: Why do you think this way?
3. Open your ears, not your mouth. Listen to their answers. Don’t just wait for them to pause so you can slip in your rebuttals. As you listen, you might just discover more similarities between the two of you than differences. Identifying your shared humanity is an important part of staying cool in hot times.
4. Practice disagreeing without cutting others off. When it comes to hot topics, the usual response is to avoid, or to push away from another, and be done with them. Kick the dust off your heels and move on. Sometimes love actually requires us to stay connected in spite of disagreement. This is hard to do, but necessary. In the groups I lead, we encourage a wide variety of theologies and perspectives, and work at staying at the table together.
5. Fact check, fact check, fact check. Just because someone repeats a talking point, or says it louder than others, doesn’t mean it’s necessarily true. Dig deep. Get the facts. They’re likely more complex than you first understood. This goes for everything from presidential politics to church politics to international politics.
6. Pray for each other. Ask God what you can do to forward the Kingdom in the midst of change and upset. Ask how you can be kind toward those who misunderstand you, and do good to those whom you fear may hate you. Ask to see things from another’s perspective.
7. Resist being hijacked. Fear activates the reptilian part of our brain that’s wired for fight or flight. It can also activate the limbic part of our brain that’s wired for emotion. So intense can the emotion be, that it literally hijacks our thinking and our responses—leading us to say things we might not otherwise say, or do things we might later regret. The neocortex part of our brain is activated by higher-order thought processes like logic. So, avoid gossip, reputation-bashing, and either-or thinking. While it feels powerful in the moment, it intensifies polarization. It’s hard to take words back once they’ve been spoken. Instead – pause, breathe, pray, and see what sort of logical or creative responses you can generate.
Yes, we are in an intense time. Still, the world is probably not coming to an end. Clearly, things are changing. Rapidly. Frankly, no one is 100% happy. No one is getting 100% of what they want. How do we work together to achieve the common good? I close with the words of Bishop Ough, President of the Council of Bishops of the United Methodist Church:
“We affirm that our witness is defined, not by an absence of conflict, but how we act in our disagreements. We affirm that our unity is not defined by our uniformity, but by our compassionate and Spirit-led faithfulness to our covenant with God, Christ’s Church and one another.”
Want to discover more about how to navigate these hot times with a cool head? Check out Creating a Culture of Renewal. This award-winning program interrupts church decline by empowering church leaders to do the impossible with people who may not necessarily see eye to eye.
by Rebekah Simon-Peter | Jan 20, 2015
Church conflict is something that strikes fear in the heart of church leaders. Why?
The vital statistics of many mainline churches already reflect declining health. The size of worship attendance is shrinking as are the number of active ministries, and the people involved in them. Baptisms trend downward while deaths trend upward. Why bring on more conflict when we’re already on shaky ground?
Fear of Conflict
I think we are afraid of church conflict because it might reveal irreconcilable differences. And then what would happen to the congregation? The already shaky boat might just capsize. And so we avoid things that might be conflictual or create tension.
But my work has show me most of the stuff church leaders are afraid of isn’t what pushes people out the door. It’s not so much a strong stance on social justice issues like poverty, racism, or gay marriage. It’s not even questions of the authority of the Bible that does it. In fact, two lay leaders recently confided to me they tune out when there isn’t anything challenging going on. They want to think a new thought, chew on a new idea, and engage a new way of looking at things. So, for most people, that’s not the issue.
People have all kinds of reasons for leaving church. I say at least give them a good reason to go. I’d like to share with you the difference between a good reason and a bad reason for leaving church and 4 Do’s and Don’ts when making the shift.
Why Leave Church?
Some people will never leave church. They were there before you got there, and they’ll be there after you leave. They’re loyal to the church and its traditions. Others aren’t so immovable. Some of them will leave if they’re not getting their way or they have been hurt by a comment, a leadership gaffe, or a pastoral slight. There’s not always a lot you can do about that.
But most people leave for reasons we have far more control over. Here are three: First, there is no new vision or direction for the church. It’s same old, same old. People are asked to risk nothing. They are bored, unengaged. Second, the church is simply going through the motions. Worship lacks spiritual depth or vulnerability. Prayer is lackluster. Preaching is uninspiring. Music is uneven. They don’t sense the sacred presence of Jesus or the movement of the Holy Spirit. Third, relationships are cliquish. Worshipers may be disconnected from each other, from visitors, or from the community around them.
Now these may all be valid reasons to leave church. That we church leaders tolerate this state of affairs is our bad. Let’s at least give people a good reason to go.
Give Them a Good Reason
What’s a good reason? A vibrant new direction that won’t please everyone. A bold, risky vision that requires big faith to enact. Worship that plunges spiritual depths, creates space for the Holy, and evokes emotional honesty. Relationships that go beyond the surface, inviting truth-telling and a community with people from a variety of backgrounds, circumstances, and ethnicities.
Make no mistake, these things will be uncomfortable and to some unpopular. Some people will leave BECAUSE they disagree. Maybe they don’t want to get their hands dirty and reach out beyond their comfort zone. Maybe they are sick of hearing about those people. Maybe they can’t understand how environmental stewardship relates to the life of faith. Perhaps racial reconciliation and economic justice don’t float their boat. Maybe they like the ways things have been just fine. No worries. The seats they vacate will be filled by others. Eventually the offering plate will be too.
People want an experience of Jesus. Of his values. Of his presence. Of his message. Of his radical love. The churches that don’t provide that will die. The churches that do provide that may well live.
Case in Point
One small mainline church I know was on the verge of closing. In fact, the 9 remaining people had decided it was time to call it quits. At their very last meeting, an older woman said, “But where I will go next Sunday morning?” Her lament re-opened the conversation. The little group decided to give it one last try. They hired a part time bi-vocational pastor who was passionate about connecting the church and the community. She wanted to create an inclusive space for all people, including youth at risk. Seven years later, the church is thriving! They have a church band with a professional musician from the community college, an active outreach to GLBT youth, a Friday night coffee house with live bands from the community, several 12-step meetings, and a free clothing ministry. The pastor is now full time, even as they share space with another worshiping congregation to make ends meet. This church has become the inclusive, progressive go-to community in a very politically and socially conservative town.
I was there on a recent Sunday morning and the sanctuary was comfortably full, with perhaps 60 people in attendance including a journalist from the local newspaper, entrepreneurs, several doctors, teachers, quite a few teenagers, older couples with canes and hearing aids, students from the college, and a smattering of recovering addicts. Even the mayor worships at this congregation! It was a refreshing experience.
Jesus had a powerful vision of the Kingdom of God. His preaching and teaching and ministry gave people direction; it pointed to something brand new. Sure, some people left Jesus. Others even killed him. But not because they were bored! We know how the story goes…a handful of followers led to the billions who now follow him.
If you’re going to lead church—whether you are clergy or laity—understand people will leave church. Can’t stop that. I say, at least give people a good reason to leave the church.
4 Do’s and Don’ts
Here are four do’s and don’ts to consider as you move forward:
1. Do prepare people for a change in direction. If you are presenting a new vision, give people plenty of time to get used to the idea, to ask questions, and to present their ideas too. Don’t expect everyone to be on board. But don’t back out if they’re not either. Ground your efforts in prayer, and trust God.
2. Do give people something new to chew on in your sermons, devotions, and Bible studies. Don’t be afraid to tackle tough issues. Just make sure to fairly represent all sides. Don’t be afraid to say where you stand, and why. People will appreciate your honesty and vulnerability, even if they disagree with you. Do make sure you have thought it through as much as you can, and don’t try to force others to believe or behave the way you do.
3. Do turn to Jesus and the Gospels for guidance. In good Jewish fashion, Jesus was involved in all kinds of healthy debate with those he agreed with, and those he disagreed with. No matter what, he remained true to himself and was prepared to answer for his beliefs. We are beneficiaries of that self-differentiation.
4. Do be of good courage! Our inspired visions, risky ministries, spiritually grounded worship, and courageously loving relationships can and do make a difference.
Without all this, your church is likely to continue declining and die anyway. Might as well give it a go!
by Rebekah Simon-Peter | Jan 8, 2014
As promised, here is the first of my top 5 or 6 tips for people of faith who are resolved to evolve this year! Here’s tip #1: Get Authentic.
When I pastored churches, I knew most of the people in the congregations I served–quite a few pretty well. We had conversations with some level of transparency on my part, and on theirs. Later, it surprised me to learn that all these folks I knew didn’t really know each other!
Never mind that some of them had been going to church together for decades.
They knew of each other, and about each other. But they didn’t really know each other. They weren’t genuinely friends.
Now that I work with churches in a variety of ways–leading retreats, teaching workshops, and coaching leaders–I can see that my congregations were not unique. Just because people worship together doesn’t mean they feel safe together.
That’s kinda strange, don’t you think?? We bring people together to study, worship and work. And even change the world. Without the kind of resilient bonds and relationships that make that do-able. Especially when conflict rolls around.
Would things change if your “community of faith” was truly acommunity? I mean, what if we truly knew each other–our weaknesses and our strengths? What if we were transparent with each other?
Jesus and his disciples hung out A LOT..they traveled together, ate together, debated together, fished together, partied together, fought together, learned together, made up together. They shared living space. Over time, they not only knew of and about each other, they were friends. That was a lot of time for transparency, authenticity. Tell me that didn’t have something to do with why they were so effective later on after Jesus died!
I listened to an interview recently about people who are spiritual but not religious. It pointed to another aspect of authenticity that religious people can learn from. It turns out those who identify as spiritual want, even more than those who are religious, to pose and savor good questions, to take on the status quo, and to freely express themselves in the process–without having to conform to pre-set norms. It’s in this process that they come alive, and experience the Divine.
My own belief, and my experience, is that as we are more truly ourselves–without trying to look good, follow the rules, or go along to get along–that God becomes most real. These epiphanies often happen in conversation with others.
So, for those who resolve to evolve in, here’s my suggestion: create the space and the permission where people can be authentically themselves. I’m thinking something like youth group for adults!
Why does Youth Group have the potential to be so transformative? And so hard? There’s no set agenda! You never know what students might bring up, or what personal problem or societal issue will become the topic of discussion. You never know who is going to cry. Nor who will shine. And how the group will bond, and come to experience God. But one thing you can count on: they will tell the truth, as they see it.
What if we set up those sorts of experiences for adults as well as youth? Experiences which let us truly get to know each other: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Here’s what I say: Let go of the pre-set agendas, and set the stage for transparency, tears, revelations, honesty. Kinda like Jesus did.
In his book Missional Renaissance, Reggie McNeal writes that for churches looking to go missional, people development must take priority over program development. Authenticity is a must for people development.
This year, as you resolve to evolve, resolve to get to know each other–at a whole new level. And do it more than just once a year. Plan a series of experiences that reward play, self-revelation, and self-awareness. In a word: authenticity. By all means, do it intergenerationally, whenever possible.
Some ideas:
- Go out to dinner together or have potlucks.
- Share your spiritual journeys.
- Do a project that groups or pairs people up and requires them to get to know each other.
If you’re looking for a retreat that builds a sense of the common good, and helps people truly get to know themselves and each other, click here to check out For the Common Good!
By the way, thanks to all those who answered last week’s fun question about Mr. Banks. We had a tie for the free book: congrats to winners GW Bill Warren and Deb Polanski!
Stay tuned for next week’s tip!
