Conscious Conflict Management

by | Aug 14, 2013

Those of you who are familiar with the DiSC model of human behavior know that DiSC is an acronym for four types of human behavior.
And that each behavioral style reacts differently depending on the situation.  Understanding the four styles is imperative to confronting conflict in a conscious and effective way, a way that will bring a positive resolution, and work toward enhancing how individuals in your congregation relate to, and work with, one another.
Let’s take a look at those DiSC styles, how each style responds to conflict, and how you, as a leader in your church, can be conscious (and conscientious) in your response to each behavioral style.
D stands for Dominance.  You can probably bring to mind those in your congregation who are high D’s pretty quickly!  They tend to be a bit demanding, even to the point of becoming aggressive and forceful.  They know that their position is right, refuse to bend and will fight for victory!
You appreciate the assertiveness of your D’s and their push for results, but they’re often the cause of that thinning hair and aspirin addiction (see Four Ways to Ease Conflict!)
But, don’t despair!  You can work effectively with Dominant congregants.  Just make sure that you:
1)  Be brief, to the point, and clear on rules and expectations.  D’s are independent workers; respect that and use it to your congregation’s advantage!
2)  They like to be initiators.  Let them initiate when possible.
3)  Respect their need for autonomy.  Don’t expect your D’s to be overly sensitive to others in your group.  It’s not in their nature.  They’re not your social butterflies!
Your D’s ARE results-oriented, so make sure they know the ropes, then see what happens!
i means Influence.  You know your i’s because they like to be acknowledged for everything they do!  That’s because i’s are assertive like D’s, but their goal is not so much to win in the end, but to be noticed and appreciated for what they do.  In conflict, the i’s want to be heard, In their efforts to that end, they may get emotional.  In fact, they might even surprise you by verbally attacking others.
When approaching your i folks, be sure to:
1)  Be informal, relaxed and sociable.  Unlike D’s, i’s like to be around others.  They appreciate you taking the time to listen.  Be light-hearted and humorous!
2)  Write down details.  They’ll need this to stay on track of what YOUR goal for the congregation is!
3)  i’s are vulnerable to rejection, even if it’s simply a perceived rejection.  Make sure to give them public recognition for their efforts.
Steadiness is the way for the S behavioral style.  S’s focus on feelings and their goal is harmony in the group.  They avoid confrontation and want others to be cooperative and agreeable but when conflict inevitably occurs, they tend to surrender while simmering beneath the surface. Very occasionally, they will boil over!
When working with those in the S behavioral comfort zone:
1)  Be systematic and consistent with your guidance.  S’s have difficulty with deadlines and prioritizing.
2)  The S style is resistant to change.  Let them adapt slowly, but do let them know how things will be done.
3)  S’s, like I’s, do want to be appreciated.  Don’t forget to let them know how important they are to you and your congregation!
Those high in Conscientiousness, are justice-oriented.  C’s value accuracy and control.   In their conscientious use of logic and facts, they tend to forget the contributions of others who might be more emotionally-oriented, and get defensive and resistant if confronted. They want justice.  Or to put it plainly, they want to be right!
For C’s, you’ll need to:
1)  Be clear on expectations and deadlines.  They appreciate your respect and will respond with loyalty.
2)  Make sure you value their high standards and attention to detail.
3)  Like your D’s, C’s don’t need a lot of socializing.  They want to get down to business and appreciate emotionally reserved directions.
Making a truly conscious effort to manage conflict by using these simple steps will help you and your congregation work more effectively, successfully, and peacefully, together!
Now don’t forget, everyone has a little bit of each behavioral style within them.  But knowing which style is dominant in an individual can make a real difference in how your congregation works together.  That’s where prayer comes in.  Ask God to guide and direct your thoughts and intuition.
But if you get it wrong, give me a holler and let’s see what we can figure out together!  You might also like to get yourself a coach, join a supportive group with built-in accountability and start creating a breakthrough in your congregational culture.  If that’s the case, then the DiSC and Discipleship Group Coaching Program could be just right for you!
Blessings on the journey, my friend!
P.S.  DiSC is registered trademark of Inscape Publishing/Wiley.

4 Steps to Ease Conflict

by | Jun 28, 2013

In my work with church leaders and their congregations, I often hear the words, “They’re all good people.  Why can’t we just get along and work together?”
Great question!  We’re all part of one human family, but that doesn’t save us from seemingly endless strife.
But there ARE ways to ease conflict in your church, ways that you can learn to work together with greater success and vitality than you’ve ever dreamed possible.  With these 4 Steps to Easing Conflict, you really can stop pulling your hair out and put away the aspirin bottle!
1.  Embrace Your Humanity.
Yep!  The first step is all about YOU!  Embrace your own humanity.
When conflict strikes, especially when it seems ever-present in our congregations, its easy to point a finger at ourselves.  “I MUST be the problem!”  But before you get too hard on yourself, take a step back.  You’re doing God’s work and it wasn’t always easy for Jesus, either!  Sometimes his message wasn’t well-received or fell on deaf ears.  But, he kept on truckin’!
Conflict doesn’t signal disaster.  In fact, it may be a sign that things are starting to work, that people are thinking and caring about what’s happening in your church and how to make things work better.  They care enough to speak up and voice their opinions.  A lack of conflict, in fact, could mean that nobody’s listening, nobody cares.
Building fair, just, honest and holy relationships is hard work!  Accept that and accept yourself.
In the midst of arguments, hurt feelings, and temper tantrums, embrace your own humanity just as you are.  Just as God does.
2.  Discover What Motivates You and Those Around You. 
How important are your motivators?  Well, very important in easing conflict!
Take a look at what’s truly motivating you in your ministry.  Is your priority building your congregation while your lay leaders are more concerned with community involvement?  Are you trying to build a social justice ministry while their main focus is the next bake sale?  Are you wanting to see changes NOW while they are working steadily at (what you consider) a snail’s pace?
Pace and Priority (those key words again!), don’t need to be the same to work together successfully and peacefully, but knowing your motivators and those of whom you’re working with, is essential.
3.  Decode Conflict. 
Once you’ve discovered motivations, it’s time to take the next step and decode the conflict that’s slowing you down.  What’s really going on for your people when they’re in conflict?
If you know that Sasha’s conscientiousness motivates her to get things done systematically, completing one project before going on to the next, you can see why Martin’s enthusiasm and energy, his pace and desire to start new programs and ideas, might cause tension.  Their Pace and Priority levels are very different.
But, once you have the tools to decode the conflict around you, to understand motivators, what makes people “tick”, you can help facilitate Sasha and Martin to the satisfaction of both and the benefit of your church!
4.  Strategize for Success. 
Now, that you’ve embraced your own humanity, as well as that of your church leaders, and understand that we all truly have different motivations though all for what each of us perceives as the good of the church, you can work together more efficiently in strategizing for the success of your church community!
Finally, kick back and breathe.  Then breathe again.  Trust God to lead you through the process.
I’m always here to help too.  Send an email to of****@***************er.com if you’d like a complementary consultation about how to ease conflict in your congregation.