6 Ways to Work with People You Don’t Like (To Work With)

6 Ways to Work with People You Don’t Like (To Work With)

by | Nov 1, 2022

We all have to work with people that we don’t necessarily like. Maybe they are always negative, or perhaps unceasingly positive. No matter the reason, there are people who rub us the wrong way, or simply, can be tough to get along with. However, to be successful in your ministry, you must find a way to work with all kinds of people. Even those you don’t like. The Platinum Rule is an excellent tool for doing just that. In this blog post, I will share with you 6 ways to work with people you don’t like (to work with).

First, I’ll name different kinds of people. Then I’ll give you specific ways to apply the Platinum Rule to work with these people you don’t necessarily like.

Before we get started, let me offer a word of caution. As you scan the list, you may think, “I don’t need to read about that kind person. I get along great with them.” But don’t skip over the descriptions of people you’re already comfortable working with. Instead, I encourage you to read all six examples. Not only will you feel affirmed, but I believe you will find new Platinum Rule strategies to upgrade your relationship with each kind of person.

Now, on to the six kinds of people and ways to work with them even if you don’t like to.

 

6 Kinds of People You Don’t Like to Work With, and How to Do it Anyway

 

  1. Fast-Paced People

When working with people who like to go much faster than you, don’t get thrown by their pace. Chances are, you are more moderate-paced and cautious or conscientious. You may like to take a slower pace to make sure you’ve thought of all contingencies and taken care of all concerns. There’s a benefit, however, to working with fast-paced people. They often bring new ideas, or fresh courage that will benefit both you and the congregation. So, don’t skip working with these people. Instead, listen for the results they are after, and the ideas they are proposing. Often, fast-paced people want to get things done so they can move on to the next project that will also be beneficial. So, instead of trying to slow them down, contribute details and suggest systems that will aid in the process of getting to the result. Knowing that you are making a contribution to a desired result, while not putting on the brakes, may help you feel more comfortable with their pace.

 

  1. Fact-Finders

People who insist on gathering far too many facts before acting while you’re chomping at the bit can be an exercise in patience. Fact-finding may feel like it’s slowing the process to the point where it hinders you from taking necessary action. It may even feel like the window of opportunity is closing. So what I’m about to say will seem counter intuitive. Ask yourself: Is the fact-finder being thorough in order to ensure that you have all the particulars necessary for you to succeed? Rather than working against you, is this person actually on your side? Chances are, they want you to succeed. If so, you’ll notice that the fact-finder’s intention to make informed decisions will help you in the long run.

 

  1. Intuitives

What do you do when the person you have to work with doesn’t make logical sense? When you can’t follow what they’re saying? It’s like doing math and not showing the work. It can be infuriating! It’s important to understand that some people trust their intuition, or their gut, more than others. There’s a good reason for this. Intuitives find that their gut is one of their best resources in decision-making. If you are working with an intuitive, ask questions rooted in curiosity, not judgment. Curiosity will allow them to expand on their intuition and explain how it connects with the work and decisions at hand. If your logic and their intuition are at an impasse, try to provide the other person with evidence or facts to help them understand your position.

 

  1. Interior-Processors

Some people like to get it all worked out in their heads before they even say a word out loud.  This can make it hard to work together. Especially if you are a verbal processor. Their lack of engagement may make you feel judged or ignored. However, it’s important to understand that interior processors need extra time to gather and evaluate their thoughts. Verbal processors, however, can think and talk at the same time. When the interior processor is ready to share ideas, listen carefully, and try to see things from a different point of view. Often when working with people who like to think a bit before speaking, it is helpful if you can have a transparent process or structure for the project. This will help them feel more comfortable sharing their ideas. Sometimes creating a safe space for people to share ideas without the fear of criticism is all people need to move from working in silos to working well with others.

 

  1. Adaptives

Adaptives believe they have a limited amount of influence in any given situation, because “that’s just the way things are.” So they adapt themselves to the current reality, rather than try to change it. This can be frustrating if you can see potential in almost every situation. While it can be good to be optimistic, it is more important to understand where the other person is coming from. An adaptive person likely has seen things go wrong in the past. Their caution or realism may stem from not wanting to get their hopes up just to have things fall apart. When working with an adaptive, focusing on incremental positive change rather than wholesale transformation. Look close to home for places to invest your energy and resources, rather than to grander visions that can be harder to monitor or influence. Invite adaptives to name successes in your work together. Honor their focus and celebrate the wins that come.

 

  1. Possibility People

While adaptives opt for do-able wins and local impact, possibility people see options for greatness around every corner. This worldview can drive you nuts when you haven’t seen evidence that would support that level of hopefulness. Possibility people may not understand your concerns, and worse yet, ignore your input. They may minimize your measured approach by calling it negative. However, it is essential to know that possibility people can effectively challenge the status quo, making way for new ministries to be revealed. When working with possibility people, try to see things from their perspective. Allow yourself the space to test previously held assumptions about what can be accomplished. You may find at times that because of their views, your accomplishments together are more significant than you could have imagined.

 

The Platinum Rule Revealed

The above scenarios reveal an important aspect of the Platinum Rule: “Treat others how they want to be treated.” That means respecting the pace, processes, approaches, mindsets, and values that come naturally to them, even if they are a stretch for you. Practicing the Platinum Rule is a great way to ensure that you demonstrate respect for others.  Getting caught up in your way of doing things is easy, but it is essential to remember that not everyone is the same. If you want to be successful in working with people you don’t like (to work with) you’ve got to be willing to adapt to the preferences of others from time to time. This is empathy in action. It says: “I am willing to work together to find a solution.”

I hope you have found these 6 ways to work with people you don’t like (to work with) helpful. Even so, it can take practice to integrate these principles into your relationships. That’s why I’ve created the Platinum Rule Leadership for Changing Times workshop. It will give you the tools and skills necessary to create better relationships with all the people around you. Even the people you don’t like (to work with). Learn more and register here.

 

Copyright © 2022 rebekahsimonpeter.com. All Rights Reserved.

3 Reasons Churches Need the Platinum Rule

3 Reasons Churches Need the Platinum Rule

by | Oct 18, 2022

Change is the name of the game in church these days. Even so, one thing remains the same: the importance of building positive relationships with people. Whatever else may change, people are your most valuable resource. And, at times, your most challenging one, too. For the busy leader, managing a wide variety of relationships can be very trying. Especially during times of rapid change. That’s why I want to share with you the three reasons churches need the Platinum Rule.

 

The Golden Rule vs the Platinum Rule

First, let’s get clear on what the Platinum Rule is, and how it differs from the Golden Rule.

The Platinum Rule is like the Golden Rule in that it points to best practices in human relationships. But “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” doesn’t always go far enough. This is especially true in this age of offendability, polarization, and quick contempt for people who are different. When Jesus and other teachers of his time taught the Golden Rule, it was revolutionary because it emphasized similarity among people.

But these days, our focus has tended toward our differences, rather than our similarities. As life continues to evolve, developing empathy for those who are different is a key quality to add to our understanding of loving relationships.

So the Platinum Rule, “Treat people the way they want to be treated,” is an important principle for these days. It takes the focus off of your particular preferences (the way you want to be treated) and puts the spotlight on the preferences of your neighbor (the way they want to be treated.) The Platinum Rule also reflects a growing awareness of the need for emotional intelligence.

When churches embrace this wisdom, they have an incredible opportunity to create a safe and loving place for community to flourish, differences and all. Without further ado, let me share with you the top three reasons churches need the Platinum Rule.

 

Three reasons churches need the Platinum Rule

  1. The Platinum Rule allows you to honor the dignity and personhood of those who are different than you. 

If there is one distinguishing characteristic of the world right now, it’s that there is so much diversity. This ranges from what people prefer to be called, to how people identify themselves, to what people believe, to country of origin, to ethnic and cultural differences. You may not always agree with others, or even understand them, but by treating people the way they want to be treated, you offer them the highest form of respect and love.

Let’s say you’re not sure whether to refer to someone as Latino, Hispanic or Latinx. (Latinx is a gender-neutral term.) What do you say when you’re just not sure? The Platinum Rule gives you permission to ask, without shame or fear. And it gives permission to the other to share their answer with you, again without shame or fear.

In this case, using the Platinum Rule is a powerful way of honoring and respecting the dignity of individual people, and of uplifting the person that God has created each of them to be.

 

  1. The Platinum Rule is a way to love your neighbor as yourself.

This comes from letting go of ego and the need to be “right.” Now, I know that this isn’t easy because inherently, almost everyone likes to be right. But, by needing to be right, you automatically make someone else “wrong.” This wears on a relationship.

When you give up the need to be “right,” you also release your neighbor from having to be “wrong.” As you refrain from judgement, you also gain the capacity to be comfortable with nearly everybody, even as others can be comfortable with you.

The Platinum Rule gets you off the seesaw of judgementalism, and places you on an even playing field with other human beings. Not only does this make more love available, it is countercultural in a world that can’t wait to choose up sides.

 

  1. The Platinum Rule allows you to bridge differences.

The Platinum Rule allows you to give people the benefit of the doubt, and to ascribe good motives to others. It allows you to understand the situation from another’s point of view. This doesn’t mean dropping your own values or compromising your own perspective. Instead, it means simply expanding your capacity to acknowledge different perspectives and values. Lastly, the Platinum Rule allows you to embrace differences, instead of trying to eliminate them. If we are all made in the image and likeness of God, then each individual has something to offer. Some of your strengths will be others’ weaknesses, and likewise, some of your weaknesses will be their strengths. Capitalize on that.

 

Platinum Rule Bonus

As you practice the Platinum Rule, you will find yourself becoming more self-regulated. If you’re more prone to accepting others, to seeing things from their perspective, and to looking for ways to bridge differences, likely you are coming from a calmer space. This kind of calm gives others permission to do the same. Calm thinking and deep faith allow you to tap into creativity and collaboration instead of polarization and contempt.

 

Next Steps

As you prepare to lead your church into a new season, remember to apply the Platinum Rule in your interactions. If you still aren’t quite sure how, or want to delve into this more deeply, join me for my upcoming workshop, Platinum Rule Leadership for Changing Times. Beginning November 3, this three-session, online workshop will help you better understand those who are different from you and expand your emotional intelligence to make the most out of every relationship.

 

Copyright © 2022 rebekahsimonpeter.com. All Rights Reserved.

I Was Wrong About…Power

I Was Wrong About…Power

by | Oct 12, 2022

I was wrong about power. I thought power was something you had to take from another person in order to have. Or that power was something you lorded over another in order to get them to do something. I thought power was inherently sinister.

Granted, these were ideas I picked up in early life. They came from watching leaders behaving badly. But it’s surprising how these ideas have continued to influence me. As I have grown in my understanding of God, I can see that I was wrong, very wrong, about power.

To be sure, there are people in the world in positions of power who take from other people, or lord their positions over others, or use their power in a malevolent fashion. But the issue there isn’t power per se. The issue is their self-understanding. There is something amiss in their humanity, maturity, or theology. And there may be something amiss in the structures in which they operate. But the issue isn’t power itself.

That’s because we all have power. Personal power is a gift from God. You can’t not have power. It’s one of the ways we are made in the image and likeness of God. Power shows up in the way each of us exercises our agency. Each one of us has the capacity to decide basic things for ourselves. Things like our actions, feelings, responses, behavior, and beliefs. God has made it that way. In fact, God has given each one of us so much power that we can choose to ignore God! That’s a lot of power!

 

Jesus’ Power

Jesus is a beautiful example of living fully into the image and likeness of God. Jesus used his divine power to calm storms, wind, and waves. He healed and raised the dead. He taught so as to re-shape self-understanding, and forge new relationships among people. He lived in such a way that others saw new possibilities for themselves.

More importantly, Jesus not only possessed this power, he passed it on to those around him. Think about the disciples. On their way to becoming apostles, they followed Jesus as he empowered and encouraged them. He gave them permission to tap into their own power by showing them how to not only have faith in him, but to have the same kind of faith he had. That’s a lot of power. Jesus wasn’t stingy with power. He was generous with it. That’s true power.

Before, I was looking at power as zero sum, or manipulation. Now I understand that power comes from within. It’s a gift given by God. Everybody’s got it. The question is what will we do with it? Jesus’ example is the best I’ve ever seen.

 

Empowerment is True Power

As a leader, the more you tap into your own personal power, and consciously exercise your agency, the more peace and effectiveness you’ll have as a leader. Not only will you get to choose your responses to situations, but you will also be able to teach your people how to choose their responses as well. That’s good news for the church. Churches that exercise their agency means more disciples, more apostles, and more positive impact in the world. It also means you won’t have to minister alone. Jesus didn’t minister alone. And you shouldn’t either.

First, though, you, yourself have to be empowered. That means letting go of self-limiting beliefs so that you receive all of the gifts that God has offered you.

To put it plainly: first, receive the divine power within, and then multiply that power by empowering others. You’ll find that the more power you give or share, the more power you actually have.

Recently, I was with my team of faculty from Creating a Culture of Renewal®. As we reflected on a retreat we had co-led, there was a moment of tender sharing. One of the team acknowledged me, saying, “The fact that we’re all functioning and leading so well together is a sign of your leadership, because you have empowered us.” In that moment, I realized that I don’t have to see other people thriving and surviving as competition – (the sense of being in competition for power is probably why the evil or insecure feel they have to wrest power away from others) – but, rather, see their flourishing as a sign of me giving power away and empowering them. They in turn, empower me with the gifts that God has granted each of them!

 

Next Steps

As you think about power in your ministry, don’t think about wresting authority from others. Instead, think about power you can first receive from God, and then, power you can give away.

I promise you’re going to find that as you share power, you will be increasingly empowered. As you watch the people around you flourish and thrive, you will see that more gets done with more alignment, more companionship, more community, and more power shared. Including with you! You’ll learn to be open to being empowered by others, even as you empower them.

I was wrong about power, but you don’t have to be. Power shared is power multiplied.

Not sure how to go about this? Take the next step by tapping into Platinum Rule Leadership for Changing Times.

 

Copyright © 2022 rebekahsimonpeter.com. All Rights Reserved.

The God Whisperer

The God Whisperer

by | Sep 13, 2022

Of all the roles a pastor plays—teacher, preacher, prophet, counselor, visionary, fundraiser, custodian, PR person, administrator, cheerleader, event planner—my favorite is God Whisperer.

You might remember the Horse Whisperer movie. An unusual horse trainer, played by Robert Redford, was gifted at calming a spooked and traumatized horse. He gently got inside the animal’s head and heart and helped it become whole again. Since then, we’ve been introduced to dog whisperers, ghost whisperers, and even whisperers of the walking dead. None of that is as exciting as being a God Whisperer, though.

As God Whisperers, our role is a bit different. We are called to develop sensitivity to the way God works and communicate that to others. I don’t want to sound arrogant here—like pastors are the only ones who can or do. That’s not the case at all. But since we are called to function that way, we might as well be ready!

I don’t know if it’s my Jewish background that lends itself so nicely to God wrestling and trying to interpret what God is up to. Or if it’s my (nominal) background in the martial arts. But I remember thinking as a pastor, “I can’t believe I get paid to work on my relationship with God! Does it get any better than that?” God wrestling and God whispering have always been my passions.

At the heart of God Whispering is a strong and vital connection to one’s own spirit and spirituality. We can’t teach what we don’t know. We can’t lead others where we haven’t gone. We can’t whisper what we haven’t heard.

But sometimes we get so busy working for God that we neglect paying attention to God. That doesn’t cut it for God Whisperers. As Chief Congregational God Whisperers, it’s our responsibility to stay as tuned in to our own souls as possible. Like any relationship, the one we have with God needs time, attention, an openness to intimacy, and surprise. We must be willing to let go of control, say we don’t know, and let the other take the lead. Only after that can we help others develop their own connection with God.

Our people can tell when we’re out of touch with the Divine. Worship is uninspired, dry. Church life is same old-same old. Preaching and teaching covers well-trod ground. Even administration can get wonky. If we’re going through the motions, guess who else will be?

When we are in sync with the movement of God, though, we give off a different vibe. We find courage to be grounded in chaotic times. We have the humility to be both pastoral and prophetic. We have the confidence to question, and to lead in new directions. We are able to distinguish the voice of God from competing voices.

Let these 3 questions help you deepen your own quest.

  1. What is something new you’ve learned about God?
  2. What is something new you have learned about yourself in relationship to God?
  3. What can you share authentically about #1 and #2 with your people?

You might think these are impertinent questions. But if God is infinite and we, in our physical bodies, are finite, then there is always something new to learn about God. Not only that, the deeper we go in our walk with God, the more we listen for the whispers of God, the more we learn about ourselves. Our people too are eager to learn something new. Yes, they want to be loved, accepted, understood, and appreciated as they are. But I think they want more than that. Being authentic with your people keeps you humble, keeps them interested, and fine tunes the ability to whisper God’s message to others.

What’s God whispering to you these days? I’d love to hear about it. So would your people. Do tell!

Originally posted March 2017.

Copyright © 2022 rebekahsimonpeter.com. All Rights Reserved.

It’s More Blessed to Receive than to Give

It’s More Blessed to Receive than to Give

by | Sep 21, 2019

Last year, I had the opportunity to hear Ed Wingfield, one-time Executive Director of the former Denver Urban League speak on leadership. “Using our current models of leadership, if we’re not careful, a few heroes will rise economically in our community. But no one else will advance. We’ll be in the dubious position of creating victims, so that we can rescue them.”

 

As I listened to him speak, I realized his was a familiar story. We in the church do that too. Most church mission trips are designed to create a level playing field for the “underprivileged” or underserved. Yet adopting the attitude that “we will rescue you because we are great and competent and able—while you are not”—doesn’t level the playing field. It perpetually tips it. Rather, level playing fields come from empowering people to discover their own greatness, competency and ability.

 

With the summer mission trip season upon us, it’s time to re-imagine mission trips. That means discovering the blessing of receiving, not giving. 

 

Years ago, I had been on several mission trips to Rosebud Indian Reservation, home of the Lakota Sioux in South Dakota of “Dances with Wolves” fame. We would paint homes, do minor repairs, and in the evening learn about history, customs and if we were lucky, experience a sweat lodge. We were excited to paint homes and make a difference for “underprivileged” people. We felt good about it. 

 

But I didn’t know how our efforts actually came across until Chesie Lee, an ally and advocate for Native American empowerment let me in on a little secret.  Chesie, who co-facilitated the creation of the Wind River Native Advocacy Center together with members of the Northern Arapaho and Eastern Shoshone tribes, told me a common response to the question: “Who wants to have their house painted this year?” is typically “Nah, I’ve had mine painted 3 years in a row.”

 

All that house painting was for us, not the people who lived in them.  In other words, our focus on giving wasn’t really meeting needs. Yes, we felt blessed to give, but it placed those on the receiving end in a dependent, less-than, victim role.

 

Chesie had seen this dynamic play out over and over.  Several years ago, when she served as the Director of the Wyoming Association of Churches, she realized that mission trips designed to “help” Native Americans didn’t necessarily help. Playing rescuer to Native Americans was ironic since the church had been instrumental in creating the victimization of Native American populations to begin with.

 

Chesie saw that Instead of organizing traditional mission trips to the Wind River Reservation, in which churches would come paint or repair homes, she could invite church groups to come to the reservation to learn from the Native Americans. She could switch the paradigm from rescuer-victim to co-equals.

In this way, Native Americans would be granted the gift of agency. Of moving away from the role of invisible, underprivileged people to real live human beings with something to offer to others. These trips would be for mutual education and uplift.

 

It was a tough vision to communicate. Many churches resisted the idea that coming to receive would be as worthwhile as coming to give. The few who did come discovered something of a new connectedness and a different view of history. They discovered something of the Kingdom within.

 

As you plan summer mission trips this year, ask yourselves these questions:

  1. Will our mission trip create long-term empowerment for those we aim to serve? Or will it leave them dependent on us?
  2. How can this experience be mutual in nature?
  3. What are we willing to receive from the people we are there to serve?

 

This summer consider how you can experience the blessing of receiving by allowing others to give.  Alternatively, you can re-paint homes that don’t really need it.

 

Adapted from the forthcoming book Dream Like Jesus, by Rebekah Simon-Peter, Market Square Publishing, 2019.