by Rebekah Simon-Peter | Dec 5, 2016
As Christians, we’re called to love everyone. It’s certainly not easy—as family dynamics, church politics and presidential elections make clear—but with soulful intentionality it can be done. Kudos to you if you’re grooving on that wavelength!
Yes, we’re called to love everyone. But don’t worry if you don’t like everyone. Like and love are not the same thing. In fact, liking everyone, especially at church, is usually a bad sign. I’d go so far as to say that if you like everyone at your church, it’s an indication that your church may be in decline.
As I see it, if you like everyone at church, you probably have one of four situations going on.
A. You’re not paying attention.
B. You’ve recently been unexpectedly snatched from the jaws of death. All of life is joyous and nobody, I mean nobody, could rain on your parade.
C. You’re not telling the truth. You are caring and kind to people, but deep down inside certain people bother you. A lot.
D. Everyone at your church is just like you. With few exceptions, fellow church goers look, sound, think, believe, process, dress and talk in a way that is pleasing to you. What’s not to like?
If you chose A, wake up! Life is passing you by. The good and the bad. Widen your circle.
If you chose B, enjoy it while it lasts. This too shall pass, my friend.
If you chose C, breathe a sigh of relief. Being bothered by others is a good sign. It means that there is a certain amount of diversity at your church. Perhaps it’s generational, or theological or political or cultural. Or maybe it’s simply that they lead with the head and you lead with the heart. Or they like to jump into things and talk incessantly while you like to take your time and keep your own counsel. Diversity can be annoying in the short-term, but it’s vital for long-term sustainability. You need those differences, even if you don’t like them. Healthy DNA, robust ecosystems, and strong economies all depend upon diversity.
If you chose D, sit down; we need to talk. While this might seem incredibly positive, it’s not. Liking everyone brings a curious trouble. Too much harmony isn’t actually desirable. It means there is not enough diversity in your church. More specifically, it probably means there’s a lack of daring, risk-taking, adventurous, visionary, overly-emotional or off-the-wall people at your church. Instead–the qualities of stability, dependability, and predictability probably rule the day. The truth is, you need all of the above in your church. And you need to develop greater emotional intelligence to deal with them.
While liking-everyone-harmony keeps the annoyance factor at bay, it also means that you’re missing out on new ways of thinking, sensing, and understanding. In this day and age, when the world around is constantly changing, we need the ability to be nimble. Otherwise, we’ll never try new things. The healthiest churches have a variety of personalities and preferences. When guided by a strong Kingdom-oriented vision with lots of buy-in, different personalities and preferences working together can unleash tremendous momentum for good.
Jesus’ own circle of followers included people who didn’t like each other: the quiet and the headstrong; those who stepped out of the boat and those whose faith was smaller than a mustard seed; fishermen and scholars, tax collectors and the heavily-taxed, siblings in competition, Pharisees and Zealots. Because of the varied gifts they brought to the table, the movement survived. I imagine they grew to love each other in time, but I doubt they all liked each other.
Can you imagine if all Jesus’ disciples were clones of Peter? Or Martha? Or Mary? Or Bartholomew? Jesus knew the value of diversity, and practiced it. What about you?
Okay, let’s say you realize you need more diversity. You’re open to it. You get that your church can’t survive without it. You’re even ready to have people in church you don’t necessarily like. But you can’t seem to get there. You have invited people and they don’t come. You have extended a welcome but no
one has taken you up on it. No worries.
Here are some ways to begin to connect with people you may not like. And to get comfortable with people who are different from you. It all starts with meeting people you might normally avoid. Here’s how:
1. When you’re out and about, observe who you avoid, judge, or steer clear of. These are the very people to go towards. Not because they need you necessarily, but because you need them. If you think “Tsk, tsk!” when seeing them, open your mouth and say hello.
2. Notice someone who has an outrageous hair style, an unexpected mode of transportation, an unusual job, an unfamiliar accent, a different skin color, or a surprising fashion sense. Make eye contact. Smile. Say hello. Strike up a conversation.
3. Visit a store you don’t normally shop in. Or dine in a restaurant you don’t normally eat in. While you’re there, speak to someone you wouldn’t normally talk to. Even if it’s just about the weather.
4. When you’re ready to go deeper, ask people what they love about their lives. Ask them where they find beauty in the world. Ask them if they would pray for you.
At first, you might not like any of these people. As you get to know them more, they might really rub you the wrong way. Perfect. It means they have something you need—a new way of looking at the world, a different style of communication, a distinctive way of processing information, or a unique way of understanding God.
Now that you’ve gone out of your way to meet new and different people, look for those same kind of stretch-your-boundaries-folks at church. See if you can identify people there that you wouldn’t normally talk to. People you suspect would upset you. Go out of your way to meet them and get to know them.
Finally, pay attention to your differences and see what you can learn from them. Discover the ways your personalities and preferences complement each other, instead of duplicate each other. You might just learn to love them. Even if you don’t like them. As you find ways to do Kingdom work together, you’ll discover the curious strength of partnering with people you may not even like.
by Rebekah Simon-Peter | Jul 25, 2016
Trump and Hillary. The Republican National Convention, the Democratic National Convention, polarizing politics. Blue on black violence. Black on blue violence. Vets killing cops. Terrorist attacks. Endless mass shootings. Add to this already explosive mix, the unprecedented, unexpected election of an openly gay United Methodist Bishop and you have a recipe for potential upset. Opinions abound. So do tempers.
It got me thinking: How do we stay cool in hot times? How do we keep the lines of communication open when we honestly disagree with each other?
I’d like to offer 7 tips for keeping cool in hot times, derived from my work with emotional intelligence.
1. Assume the best about others; not the worst. I’ve received quite a bit pushback on my own recent post about the election of Karen Oliveto to the episcopacy. I assume that these colleagues care every bit as much as I do about what is right and holy and good. We’ve had some good, heart to heart conversations about our assumptions. If you catch yourself thinking that yours is the only right way—this tip will be hard.
2. Ask how questions, not why questions. Why questions put people on the defensive. How questions encourage people to think creatively. For instance: How did you arrive at this position? Not: Why do you think this way?
3. Open your ears, not your mouth. Listen to their answers. Don’t just wait for them to pause so you can slip in your rebuttals. As you listen, you might just discover more similarities between the two of you than differences. Identifying your shared humanity is an important part of staying cool in hot times.
4. Practice disagreeing without cutting others off. When it comes to hot topics, the usual response is to avoid, or to push away from another, and be done with them. Kick the dust off your heels and move on. Sometimes love actually requires us to stay connected in spite of disagreement. This is hard to do, but necessary. In the groups I lead, we encourage a wide variety of theologies and perspectives, and work at staying at the table together.
5. Fact check, fact check, fact check. Just because someone repeats a talking point, or says it louder than others, doesn’t mean it’s necessarily true. Dig deep. Get the facts. They’re likely more complex than you first understood. This goes for everything from presidential politics to church politics to international politics.
6. Pray for each other. Ask God what you can do to forward the Kingdom in the midst of change and upset. Ask how you can be kind toward those who misunderstand you, and do good to those whom you fear may hate you. Ask to see things from another’s perspective.
7. Resist being hijacked. Fear activates the reptilian part of our brain that’s wired for fight or flight. It can also activate the limbic part of our brain that’s wired for emotion. So intense can the emotion be, that it literally hijacks our thinking and our responses—leading us to say things we might not otherwise say, or do things we might later regret. The neocortex part of our brain is activated by higher-order thought processes like logic. So, avoid gossip, reputation-bashing, and either-or thinking. While it feels powerful in the moment, it intensifies polarization. It’s hard to take words back once they’ve been spoken. Instead – pause, breathe, pray, and see what sort of logical or creative responses you can generate.
Yes, we are in an intense time. Still, the world is probably not coming to an end. Clearly, things are changing. Rapidly. Frankly, no one is 100% happy. No one is getting 100% of what they want. How do we work together to achieve the common good? I close with the words of Bishop Ough, President of the Council of Bishops of the United Methodist Church:
“We affirm that our witness is defined, not by an absence of conflict, but how we act in our disagreements. We affirm that our unity is not defined by our uniformity, but by our compassionate and Spirit-led faithfulness to our covenant with God, Christ’s Church and one another.”
Want to discover more about how to navigate these hot times with a cool head? Check out Creating a Culture of Renewal. This award-winning program interrupts church decline by empowering church leaders to do the impossible with people who may not necessarily see eye to eye.
by Rebekah Simon-Peter | Jun 7, 2016
“We’re always on to the next thing,” one pastor friend confided to me. “At least that’s how the people in my Annual Conference see it. We’re ever on to the latest, greatest solution for church growth.”
“Do you ever pause and celebrate what you have accomplished?” I asked.
“No.”
That got me thinking. These initiatives may seem like passing fads which Annual Conferences mindlessly chase after. But I doubt that’s what’s actually happening. In my experience, denominational executives are working on several fronts at the same time. After all, different kinds of congregations and leaders need different kinds of approaches. Congregational renewal is not one size fits all. My work with emotional intelligence demonstrates that.
I have often wondered, though, if people would respond more favorably to the myriad processes their Annual Conferences offer, if only they were aware of how much had actually been accomplished with each one.
There’s no way of knowing what’s been accomplished if we don’t pause, communicate, and celebrate. That’s why I’m defending the oft neglected practice of resting on your laurels.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with savoring our successes. When the Romans borrowed the Greek idea of presenting a wreath of laurel leaves to victorious military commanders, there was no implication that “resting” on them was bad. That negative connotation didn’t come for another 10 centuries.
Getting back to my friend’s Annual Conference–I wonder how many new ministries they have launched since focusing on processes for renewal? Harder to measure but equally important—how many fights have been avoided, how many members and volunteers have been re-energized? How many callings to the ministry have been reclaimed?
We can’t know these things unless we make space for collecting and telling these stories. That means taking time to rest on our laurels. Not forever. Not even for a long time. But long enough to actually soak up and celebrate all that has been gained.
As the semi-frenetic pastor of an active congregation, I had habitually pushed on to the next thing. And the next. And the next. Driven by both the joy of accomplishment and the fear of boredom.
“Rev. Rebekah,” my active lay leader sheepishly confessed to me one day, “we’re tired. We need a rest. Can’t we just stop for a bit and see how far we have actually come?”
When Jesus went into the wilderness to pray, we have no idea what he prayed. But we do know this: he paused. Surely something good and life-giving happened during that time.
Year End Reports are a statistical attempt to pause and to reflect on what has been done. But we have to look beyond our own particular congregations to get the big picture. Sure, worship attendance or membership may be down in your setting. But other numbers may be trending upward. In one Annual Conference I work with, church attendance is down, but baptisms are up! Not bad. In another, average worship attendance itself is actually up.
There’s no way of knowing this stuff unless we, as a body, actually stop and reflect. Then take it one step farther: celebrate.
What could you celebrate in your Annual Conference? Look for what you are doing doing well, and then emphasize it. Perspectives shift when we focus on what is going well.
Recently, I listened to a panel of General Conference delegates report on what happened in Portland last month. I expected a reprisal of the tougher issues that emerged at GC including painful disagreements over how to address human sexuality. I was not disappointed.
What most captured my attention, though, was the report of a first-time laywoman delegate. “This was my first time at General Conference,” she smiled. “I didn’t even begin to think about it until about a week or two before I went. I arrived with an open mind.”
She went on to relate her delight about the milestones celebrated: the 250th anniversary of John Street Church in New York City, the 200th anniversary of Bishop Francis Asbury’s death, the 60th anniversary of full clergy rights for women, the 30th anniversary of Disciple Bible Study, the upcoming 25th anniversary of Africa University and 150th anniversary of the United Methodist Women. She was amazed at all the Church had accomplished in such a short period of time.
Now I’m the last person to whitewash history. Much of my work has been about empowering the church to embrace a truly Jewish Jesus, unlearn anti-Semitism, deal with what our Scriptures say about environmental stewardship, and creatively address the reality of church decline.
But still! What a breath of fresh air to listen to her celebrate our accomplishments. For a moment, we all rested on our laurels.
I wonder what would happen if we insisted on these breaths of fresh air more often? If we purposefully paused and savored our successes more than once every four years?
No, it wouldn’t resolve all our challenges or erase our differences. But it might just energize us to carry on creatively—conscious of the positive impact we are having on the world around us, and proud of the gains we are making.
