In today’s world, it has become too easy to be so one-sided that anyone who disagrees with you must be wrong. It seems as if every issue is black and white. There is no room for discussion or questioning. No room for learning about another’s point of view. This mindset is not only detrimental; it’s toxic. In today’s blog, I want to share with you the indispensable power of emotional intelligence, and how it can allow you to build deeper relationships and become a better leader.

The Myth About Conflict

Before we get into the components of emotional intelligence, I want to highlight one important misunderstanding. That is, that conflict is inherently negative, or a means for disagreement. By learning how to engage productively in conflict, we open the door for a deeper understanding of how others see the world and allow for richer relationships to develop.

The Five Components of Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence includes five components – self-awareness, motivation, empathy, social skill, and self-regulation. Becoming familiar with each will help you not only better understand those around you, but will also help you develop your leadership skills. Below are five simple ways you can incorporate them into your everyday relations.

Self-awareness – getting to know yourself at a deeper level. Be aware of your tendencies, tiredness, and need for time-away. Staying tuned in to these three T’s will give you a greater ability to self-regulate and practice empathy.

Motivation – what motivates you, what makes you tick. People along theological and political spectrums want similar things: safety, love, and to live life according to their prized values. We hold common motivations, but what differs is how we believe we will achieve them. Understanding these motivations allows leaders to practice empathy amid chaos.

Empathy – walking in the shoes of another, or deep understanding of what another is going through. I once read on a tea bag: “Be kind. Everyone is fighting a hard battle.” Even as rain falls on the just and unjust, the negativity in our common airwaves affects people indiscriminately. This makes empathy more important than ever. As a leader, you model empathy with people and ask them to practice empathy with others.

Social skill – being able to rally a group to move together in one direction. The most important skill, and responsibility, that you have as a leader is to practice social skills. This has little to do with small talk and more to do with moving people in the same direction. This is leadership that unifies people, a rare commodity these days. Given the divided nature of life, you might not unite people around theology or politics. Instead, tap into common values: the Gospel, the love of God, and the Kingdom of heaven. Bring people back to the vision that Jesus laid out: Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is heaven.

Self-regulation – Self-regulation is choosing how you respond in situations. When you feel your hackles rise, or the perfect retort forming on your tongue, take a moment to breathe. Instead of cutting someone else off, a good way to defuse the moment is to say: “Tell me more.” Listening can help another person re-regulate. Chances are they need to blow off steam, too.

You Are Not Alone

I want to remind you that you are not alone. Isolation is the enemy of love so don’t try to go it alone. Personally, my mission is to empower church leaders and the congregations they serve. I invite you to tap into the resources my team and I offer by joining a Creating a Culture of Renewal^® cohort! In my three-year group coaching program, you will discover who you are leading, how you are leading, and where you are leading, all while bringing renewal to your congregation and community. New cohorts begin meeting this fall.

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